I can't do this anymore in Age 36

I didn’t wake up today expecting an ‘episode.’ I had a great morning. My son had mother’s day tea at his school. I went and did my mom’s nails. It was a good morning. I decided to pick up a night shift because I am dirt ass broke. I mean I have nothing. I am using my credit card and racking up debt just to go grocery shopping. I can’t afford anything.

I hate cooking. It has become the bane of my existence because I feel as though my husband expect gourmet stuff. Things I cannot produce. I feel like such a fucking failure. Like I am such a waste of space that I don’t matter. I want to shout, kick, punch, scream. Anything to let these horrible thoughts and emotions out. I don’t want to feel this way. This is not some minor thing that just goes away. He has the nerve to ask, “Is this really the time for this?”

OF THE COURSE THE FUCK NOT.

Its never time for a person to lose their shit. Its never the time for a person to cry as if they are not worth anything. I know that. I know it and I don’t want it. I wish I could truly not care. I wish I could just flip a switch and be cold inside. Dead. Emotions are such a hassle. I hate them. I hate feeling.

Why? All because I used mushroom that was older than 3 days. I worked so hard and put effort into the food I made, and he looked at it with disgust and just said, “No thanks. I’m good.”

He delivery of that felt like a slap. I had just made dinner in time for him to be home. It was warm. I had heated up garlic bread. I was feeding our daughter. How can the person I love so much cause me so much pain? Am I overreacting? Sure, but again I have depression and anxiety. I can’t always control my reactions. I have tried, and for the most part I reign it in pretty well. But there are certain times, like this one, where I just can’t.

On top of that, for night shift tonight I already know what I have to do before I go. I have make sure that the kids are ready for bedtime. Bathed and teeth brushed. I guarantee you that I would not get the same consideration. Does he need any prep for when he leaves anywhere? No. He can just go. I don’t ask nor do I expect anything of him in that way. But I do need to do that.

Why? Why can’t we both just…support each other as it should be? I am here on the side of bed typing my brain away because I need to journal. I need to have an outlet. Earlier I was trying to hurt myself. I was trying to feel physical pain so that I would not feel emotional pain. It helps. So much. I want to be numb.