Not just feeling, but I am a failure in Age 36

I have been having a lot of stuff plague my family, not so much me. I have very emotional, detached, and wanted to escape. Avoiding if you will. I think this morning I have come to realization of why. I’m a failure. The fear I have isn’t of failing. I can fail and that doesn’t act doesn’t affected me. Its actually being a failure. Which I feel like I am. I feel like I am there.

My husband is going through a hardship and I can’t help him. My kids want my undivided attention. I feel like I can’t give them. Cooking. My God. I hate cooking now. I have come to hate it so much that I leave the house all day to avoid it. When it comes to cooking its mostly what I make for my husband because my children thank God eat what I make.

But when it comes to my husband, I just feel like a failure. He either eats only 1 plate and then never touches it again, when the whole point of me cooking was so he can take for lunch the next day. He says he is sick eating out and buying, but I feel like nothing I make will make him happy. I dread cooking not because of the actual act, but because the critique and the faces and all that make me dread it. I don’ t want to be told that my stuff is mediocre when I really put effort into it. I look up recipes on Instagram, google, anywhere so that I can make different things.

IT DOESN’T MATTER.

It will still be shit. Everything I make will be shit. At least that I how I am made to feel. I fell useless, inadequate, and stupid for having even tried. I feel stupid for having hope that I can even make something good. I am not talented in that regard.

If you guys have read anything before hand you know that I am an RN. I love my career. I thrive in it and its my only source of confidence. Its the only place that I feel that I one, make a difference, and two, matter. I don’t feel like I matter anywhere else.

Truth be told, my husband doesn’t inspire those feelings in me. I feel like I am just here. I feel like I am here to do what he can’t because he’s physically away. I feel like if he could split himself in two, he wouldn’t need me. Again, my stellar self confidence asks me, what do I bring to the table? What do I offer him that isn’t tending to the children or taking care of the house?

What am I worth?

I have nothing outside of my job to answer that. No even as a mother. I feel worthless. Forgettable. When he told me a bit ago that he needed me to change my schedule because he was burnt out, I freaked out. I didn’t realize why then. I do now. Because nursing is the only thing that offers me substance. I feel visible because of it. I walk around with confidence and a sense of purpose when it comes to my job. I love that feeling. I want it outside of my work. But I don’t have it.

Anyone else feel this way?

Cheese and rice…I am basically the Billie Eilish song....eff everything.