Neverending Story in Current Events

Know your story. That is one of the big lessons I learned early in my self-improvement journey. I have never really done that and I’m not about to start now. At least, not go deep.

Currently, my story is that I have a lot going on. I’m trying to balance my school life, work life, and home life. My plate is full and overwhelming. I’m fighting with my health. I’m working with a naturopath which requires a lot of lifestyle changes. I am fighting with my mental health. I’m now seeing a therapist. I should be grateful that I have employment. I get to go to school. I have access to a naturopath. I have access to a therapist. I’m on the right track even though it feels like I am going the wrong way.

Most people want displacement. They want to go from A to B but they have to go the distance. My seventeen-year-old cousin once said to me. I had taken him in so that he could finish high school. He almost dropped out. That was a long time ago. At that time I had my plate full of everybody else’s problems. You don’t need help if you’re helping. The moral of the story is that I am going the distance. Growing pains.

I’m just waking up from a depression nap. There is no catharsis from these. It’s like letting the fire burn out. It’s very inconvenient when these attacks happen. I’m very good at being mindful through it. It doesn’t slow me down too much. It just sucks that I get to feel like my dog just died for no reason. I sent a message to my physics teacher on Teams. I just wanted to explain that my plate is full so I have been taking advantage of his streaming. I felt that I should let him know the score. I’ll be there Wednesday to make up the test I missed.

I accepted that I won’t be going to university this year. I am not confident that I will get any funding in time. Especially since I only have a part-time job. What is the opportunity here? I can take more classes for a year. For half a year even. I can find new employment. I can save up for a car. There are more opportunities here, I can’t think of them right now. It’s probably not something I am mentally prepared for. A buddy on here told me a story about how alcoholism was a problem for them and their friends. School sucks, periodt! I am thinking of taking calculus next semester because I fucking hate myself. God, I hate math. I’m so bad at it. Maybe this will make me a natural.

I think I pinpointed what I’m feeling. I feel like I am letting myself down. Constantly. I am so damn hard on myself. Borderline abusive.

I’m thinking about joining a kickboxing class. Let off some steam. Maybe teach myself guitar. Pick up where I left off from when I last took lessons. Maybe become a sex addict? A crack addict? A crackwhore! Two birds with one stone… I need a better sense of humor.