Health and Choices in Life Is A Circle, Or A Torus

We bought way too many treats. Had invited Crush out again to grab some food, and we ended up making several stops, getting drinks and snacks at each spot, joking about being bad influences on each other. We stopped at Ikea to check out the cafe and found they overhauled the cafe since either of us were last there; they’ve got a number of plant-based food options and all the stuff is compostable or recyclable. I tried a veggie dog and it was pretty good. Crush also got one and liked it. We agreed we should come back and try the cafeteria sometime soon and see if they have more stuff. At one store, she laughed and said “I get so excited about just seeing new things to try, I guess that’s just what it’s like to be an adult now huh”. I laughed and agreed. For me at least I think it’s just more about spending time with folks I like, and so I’d rather it be quiet and simple than anything too flashy and “fun”.

Bit of a quiet drive back home, both of us a bit sleepy and craving caffeine, but both smiling. Even when my energy is gone and I’m starting to wrap up into my introvert shell to recharge, I still like her being around and I think she feels the same. So it was mostly quiet but not awkward. I think that’s the best complement you could get from an introvert. We look for the escape hatch if uncomfortable, so even if we’re quiet, it just means we’re content.

Today was chilly and cloudy, that time of year where the weather flip-flops from warm to cool and back, so we promised to make more plans when the weather was a little better soon, after we both got caught up on sleep. Both looking forward to more outdoorsy stuff, but also just trying more different kinds of pizza and foods.

Perhaps its the anti-depressants making me less anxious, but I took the extrovert move to reach out to an old colleague of mine and ask about a job. I saw a job listing online for the old company I worked at, so asked if she knew about it and what she thought about the job and the team. I’m looking for jobs again and when I came across it, considered if it might be a good fit for me. She got back to me and said the team is shifting and things are good and if I’m interested in the position she could talk to the manager about it for me. Really nice of her to offer! I feel conflicted.

On one hand, it’s a different job and team than when I worked there last year, but it is a team doing related work so I’d probably interact with some of the same people and managers. Since it’s a new team and I might have a foot in the door, it feels silly to me to pass up the opportunity without at least giving it a shot. I unfortunately need money and can’t live off my savings forever. It’s rapidly depleting.

On the other hand, since it is the same place and possibly working with some of the same people, I am concerned it’s going to retrigger all the anxiety and panic that was a big reason I quit in the first place. I’m not really looking forward to going back to a 9-5, especially if it means being back in the office instead of working from home like I used to do. I think I need more flexibility to be healthy and I am not sure they’re going to really accommodate me. Although one difference is that last year I didn’t have a generalized anxiety disorder diagnosis; now I do, and maybe that could get HR off my back if there’s any problems. There’s some other reasons too that are tough to talk about, but let’s just say my faith in the mission objective of the company itself is a bit shaken.

Bills gotta get paid though. Could I work it for a few months and try to save up some money at least? I’d hate to ask a colleague to vouch for me though just to leave after a few months, that might reflect badly on her and I don’t want that. I also get little flashes of thinking that some of the old team members may look down on me for quitting in the first place. Maybe they wouldn’t actually want me back. Maybe I’m overthinking it. See, I told you I was worried about the anxiety coming back.

I need to think about it a bit more. I do need to start having an income soon. But is this the best way to do it? Or is it just settling with a job I’m “comfortable” with? If only I had some other good leads to feel comfortable moving on from the past job. At the moment though, I’m still not really sure what to do with myself.

Last updated April 24, 2024