Slow and Steady in The REAL Baby Journey!

It took me a long time to accept that pregnancy would slow me down. I fought it for a long time, vowing to be that pregnant lady who stayed active and looked fit and strong throughout the nine months. As time went on, however, I began to realize it wasn’t about me and what I wanted anymore. It wasn’t about mind over matter or being tough or being strong. Gradually I realized my purpose and my new job was to grow a little person who was more vulnerable than I’d ever understand but stronger too than I’d ever grasp. This little one depends on me entirely - to feed it, hydrate it, nourish it, grow it and protect it. Slowing down didn’t mean ‘giving up’ or ‘giving in’, it meant shifting my priorities and understanding that everything is different now.

I was made to slow down at 22 weeks when my doctor told me I had to and again even more so at 24 weeks when my initial attempts didn’t help the problem. Since then I’ve made many life changes, all in hopes of keeping this little belly bean in there as long as possible. Still, on the eve of 31 weeks, it was only today that I really got it.

As I swam laps at our local Y, lost in the rhythm and silent lull of my body gliding through the water, I thought about all kinds of things. I realized that while I was being passed by many other people in the lanes around me, I’m still out there. I realized that while I may have gained more weight or less weight than my friends, coworkers and peers at this point in my pregnancy, I’m right where I need to be for this baby at this time. And I realized that I’m okay being ‘slow’. I’m okay going at a whole new speed as I go through a whole new time in my life.

Slow now means lots of long, leisurely walks with my dog, It means admiring the changing leaves in a whole new way because I actually am relaxed enough to see them. It means sleeping in when my body craves it, sitting down more when I’m tired and not comparing my body or my pregnancy or my choices with anyone else’s. There is a freedom in slow, in patience, in acceptance of what is instead of lust or jealousy or shame in what isn’t or could have been or almost was.

I realized while I swam why work has been so much more difficult lately. It isn’t, like I originally thought, as much about me being slower at work but more about how bad that makes me feel. My coworkers and my boss are wonderful and they pick me up and make up for my new challenges and accept me as I am…but today I finally realized that I struggle at work because being there makes me feel guilty about being pregnant. No one tries to make me feel that way but I feel that way while I’m there. My job is one meant for young, quick, efficient, self sacrificing and energetic people. At this point I’m barely any of those. Nowhere else in my life has pregnancy changed everything as much as it has at work. So while it isn’t anyone’s fault, it’s hard to be somewhere that you are constantly aware that you are less than you once were, less than those around you, less capable than you ever thought possible. It’s humbling, to say the least, and it makes me eager to get back to when that pace felt easy and automatic but, as with everything else lately, accepting that I just can’t do that right now frees my heart from the burden I’d been carrying. I fought hard for this pregnancy and this baby and I don’t want to spend one more minute feeling bad or guilty or shameful about it. I’m in the middle of a very special and sacred and beautiful time in my life and I don’t have the energy or desire to spend even one second of it feeling bad about that.

Speaking of work, I was there for over 14 hours yesterday due to a very sick and unstable patient. I did the best I’ve done yet prioritizing my own need to drink water and to pee and to take breaks but it meant asking for someone to cover me while I did them and accepting every single offer of help without shaming myself for being unable to keep up. I still stayed nearly two hours late just trying to catch up and I walked out of there almost broken. I came home and I slept 12 long, dead hours where I barely even dreamed. I woke up to pee and to eat a few times and I went back to bed, finally crawling out of our pitch black bedroom at 11:30 AM. I needed that and old me would have chastised myself for being lazy or slovenly or wasting the day. That didn’t happen today. Today I soaked it up and I knew with a baby on the way those days are numbered and doing them now is a privilege that I absolutely am allowed to give myself. It felt good and it paved the way for one of the more relaxing and rejuvenating days I’ve had in awhile.

So slow is the new speed and acceptance that what I can and can’t do is a constant work in progress has brought me a lot of emotional peace. Perhaps by the time I’ve ‘mastered’ pregnancy and feel calm about where I am with it, I’ll welcome a new little person into this world and suddenly everything I thought I knew about anything will be wrong. Ha. Either way, today was a good day and I’m feeling capable and calm. I’ll take it. :)

Last updated October 16, 2014