Becoming close to an ideal self in Old

I recently wrote an entry that was a bit dark even suicidal. I deleted it because it was so dark and such moves past quickly these days. The suicidal self is a person of my past and not this present. By choice that is not me anymore. The dark self is only dark once in a while when cynicism shows. But unlike the past that now passes.

Tragedy and trauma can give way to growth. Such has been my case since the factory I worked in for decades closed. From out of the depression of it, I’ve been able to see that it was fortuitous for me. Had I worked there a few years more it would’ve totally broken me crippled me. I was fortunate to be able to have some retirement with Social Security. Materially I feel I am wealthy because I can pay the rent utilities insurance and a few entertainments. I am by no means starving. I live a simple life that I always dreamed of having because it’s a sane life and it is I that have done the work to make it that way.

When I was a child, I was considered crazy and put into a mental hospital for a year because of anxiety. That followed me much of my life. Much ridicule in my school years. I fucked up a lot. I did stupid things, but I finally did OK. I developed a great sense of humor I think. I became a very honest man, very open and knowledgeable of his own mind. At times I sought help and got it. I gave up alcohol and drugs a few times and finally this one more time. I have made changes voluntarily inside and I like the person I’ve become. I think of my mother and she would like me what I turned out to be so late in life. She would also probably tell me that she knew this was me who I really was. I had to see it and become it.

So much of my life was trying to be a better person and at times stumbling and falling, but I always got up. Family helped me and I always showed gratitude. I live gratitude, not taking anything for granted.

I have tried to make meditation a daily practice for me. To clear my mind of so much of the garbage I have accumulated. And still do😄 I was always an empathetic, compassionate person, but I have fine tuned that to make me stronger with a loving nature. This is not to sound like oh I am so fucking wonderful. I have simply become my authentic self the person that was always at my core, but that I sometimes hid with self-destructive behavior and low self-esteem that made me want to destroy myself. It feels good to finally reach a point where I don’t hate myself anything about myself not anymore. Self acceptance is a wonderful feeling.

I consider myself a very wealthy man because I’ve made it so far in life to be this age when so many have not. Shit, luck and work. I’m an atheist, but at times I feel like late family member or some angel has been watching over me. Whoever whatever I am grateful. I’ve had some near death experiences, got banged up, beaten down bloodied and bruised but here I am. Financially like so many I live on a knife edge. I once fear dying at the same time that I wanted it, but now I can smile with gratitude that I have lived the life I lived, and it was my life and only great truly great because of all the love I have felt and given in life. I continue to grow that way to learn how to love and be a better person and that makes me an extremely wealthy man.

I have recently lost 6 pounds and have been exercising more and eating very clean. My ice cream habit with something of a joke, but giving it up felt good. Like giving up all the other things that held me down and hurt me. I recently shaved my beard off. I had wanted to not be the person I used to be, but I can be that person because every day we are changing. So many of the big changes are choices.

My father in his old age was a miserable cynical, hateful man. Despite my saying that I will always love him. I did not want to become like him and I chose not to and I did not. Looking back and with the help of therapy, I have been able to see how he hurt me and affected my life in such negative ways. He did try to help me financially long ago, and he helped me get a job, but the money part was extremely sick and conditional. But no matter what I always loved my father. My mother was very easy to love. She was a beautiful loving person. Maybe the way my dad was and was to me helped me to become this person that likes and accepts himself for who he is now and not who he was in the past.

I will continue to try to be a good person and work on being a good person and be good to other people. Several people in my past told me that despite being an atheist, I am spiritual in my own way, and I think that is in a way of trying to be a better person all the time and enjoying the person I’d become after all the shit I went through.

I am far from perfect, but I can see how I’ve changed over the years. With women long ago, I was insecure and jealous, but I finally grew up and let that shit go. I will always be anxious in certain situations, but that’s part of being human. I will always use some foul language and talk in a rough manner at times but that comes from working many years in a factory, and there’s a bit of humor to it all as well. I never found what so-called true love but I’m sane enough for it now. I may never find such a thing, but I accept it because so many don’t and fuck it that’s life. I am grateful that I knew some people and loved them very deeply. I am grateful that I have had the opportunity to genuinely cleanly unconditionally Give love to people. I will try to do that for the rest of my life.

I used to complain about the shit I went through in life, but now in a quirky way, I’m grateful I made it through it all and some of that shit made me the person I genuinely like today. Because it was my choice to get through it and rise out of it and become a better person.

I live in gratitude.