Whirlwind. in Since OD is shutting down....

Okay so Sunday was just a rough day all the way around. Work was awful. It just wasn’t staying busy and I wasn’t making what I needed for the week. I finished the week short $70 which I’m still upset about. That boy called me on my way home. He was super drunk and kept saying how I told him he was a piece of shit and blah blah blah blah…well he was to eat dinner and come over after sobering up some. I rush to get my Mom home and then get back to take a super quick shower, make dinner, and clean up the house. I was absolutely exhausted and he never shows up. Then yesterday, he texted saying he was super drunk and passed out but was going to come over after work. Well, around 4:30, I text to say that I understand he’ll probably want to get home since it’s going to rain and he took his motorcycle to work. Next thing I know, I get a text back that’s meant for his ex’s kids saying how he was going to stop at the store and grab stuff to make dinner.

At this point, all the hurt I’d felt for the past several days quickly turned into anger and I saw red. I text him and say that since I haven’t seen him in a week and there’s no effort on his end that I’m going to move on. I told him that I will always have feelings for him and wish that this would have had a different turn out but I need more than he can give me. He normally would take forever to write back but 2 minutes later he says, “fine then” and I haven’t heard from him since. I didn’t block him on Facebook or block his phone number. I’m just done to the point where I don’t even care to do that shit this time around.

I’ve been online talking to other men and I have someone I’m hoping to hang out with over the weekend. I refuse to sit around being hurt worrying about anyone anymore. I’m always going to wonder if him and I could have made it but I know that I deserve way more than playing second fiddle to kids that aren’t even biologically his and everything else in his life is more of a priority. I can’t deal with that. I understand that we didn’t know each other long but every fucking day it was something. I also got sick of hearing how he just had ‘so much going on’ and it’s like okay well you could have left me the fuck alone! I was also pissed that he wasn’t really into me having a child but he knew before we met face to face that I’m a Mom of a young child so if he didn’t want to take this anywhere, he shouldn’t have fucked with me in the first fucking place!

I really wish I could sit here and just let this go but I think the reason I can’t is because he’s the first guy to come around in YEARS that started off making all the effort in the world, treated me like a queen, made me feel like I have never felt before and then took it all away. I remember him sitting on my couch talking about his Harley and asked me, “would you wanna go for a ride with me” and then I never got to. I feel like I fell in love with an illusion. Almost like I made all this up in my own head because I’ve wanted it my whole life.

Now after all this, I’m starting to think that I may have active attachment style. I honestly am so scared of being abandoned that I want to walk away before they leave. I’m hyper dependent and hate ever asking anyone for help. I have spent a lot of time today researching it and I meet every single bit of the criteria. I need to make a counseling appointment and start working on some stuff.

Anyways, there’s a new guy I’ve been talking to. I’m not going to say too much about it because we just started talking and there’s nothing saying this one will work out and I don’t want to jinx myself.

More tomorrow.