i um wow. *more on rape* in The Wonderland Years: 2014. Done.

ya know. ...............um fuk. I think the fact that I can verbalise ‘I was raped 10 yrs. and 2 days ago’ holds a lot of power. not ‘I was hurt’ or ‘it’ or ‘violated’. no it’s ‘rape’ all 4 letters. it took me. until last night [currently thurs.] to do that. not bc I was trying to or anything but cause I don’t think I was ready to until now. idinno. it just feels like. I had 2 yrs. of moving forward and 8 yrs. of not. the last time I saw someone was in college, so. I mean I think it’s a good idea I just. wasn’t ready to and i’m still not completely ready uh but i’m more ready than I have been. I thought I ya know had moved, er, ‘past’ this I thought i’d come to terms w/ it bc it wasn’t as new. but back then I didn’t understand it the way I do now just as back then I didn’t like. er. I understood things better when I was 17 then at like 10. er idk how to make it make sense.
i’m ok talking about it and i’m ready to but it’s still a shock when I say it. I didn’t tell about that one and it’s not like I ‘need’ to tell everyone I encounter but I feel like I should tell a few people bc at the time I fukin didn’t bc I didn’t know the details. if i’d known I don’t know if I would’ve or not. I’ve always hated myself for not telling it’s one of my biggest regrets actually. I mean I know it’s too late to like. legally do anything about it but telling just for my own peace of mind. to make official what never was. to say to someone ‘I was raped’ and have them be ‘oh wow i’m so sorry that’s awful’. bc I didn’t. I told one of the bar people guys um. the managers about the last one and that’s exactly how he reacted. right now it’s too soon to tell him about the other 2.
I still I mean I still blame myself. cause of how we were um, positioned. we were standing I wasn’t against anything other than him [the guy who did it I mean] so it’s not like I was trapped. I always thought it was strange that I’ve only had a few dreamssss about it whereas w/ the othersss I’ve had multiple ones esp. w/ the last one.
I’ve been sent back. a long time. um. wow.