Just A Moon Looking At A Sun in Life Is A Circle, Or A Torus

Thanks to a certain celestial phenomenon, I got to hang out with my crush for a day.

It’s honestly so weird to think of having a crush in my 30s. There’s a part of me that kind of rolls my eyes and goes “ugh, what are you, still a teenager”, but the rest of me thinks “hey, shut up, I’m allowed to experience emotions and care about people and enjoy life”. I try to lean toward the latter, but doesn’t mean that the former doesn’t sneak in and make me laugh at myself a bit sometimes. It was hard to talk to girls when I was a teenager, doesn’t seem like it should be quite so difficult now too. I think I used to be better at it, and it’s a skill I’ve lost. Something I am trying to re-learn. It’s like going back to school as an adult, to relearn how to adult. So in a way, kinda like being a teenager. Or maybe it’s still a mid-life crisis / part of the collective breakdown of society right now being experienced by most elder millennials.

I’ve had a mild crush on her for a while. She’s cute and funny and sarcastic. But I honestly didn’t know too much about her so I mostly was just friendly with her and joked a bit and thought she’s cute. Lately I’ve been talking with her more and learning more about her, and she’s really cool. Has lots of cool interests and hobbies. She cares a lot about people, animals, planet. Our politics line up more than I thought they might. Not that I thought we were terribly far apart, just we think more alike than I realized. It’s really amplified the crush to the point where I’m really hoping and wishing to spend more time with her and get to know her even more. Especially when I hear her say she’s had trouble dating and finding someone, she seems to get really down on herself and her looks; makes me want to take her on a more proper date even more, if for no other reason than to try to boost her feelings because she’s pretty awesome and shouldn’t get down due to losers. I think I must be some level of “demisexual” as the kids call it, I think. While it’s natural to find random people cute or hot as a little afterthought, I’m really only attracted to people in a way I’d want to act on once I get to know them. As much as I sometimes get a little daydream of being in my promiscuous era, I don’t think I’d actually be able to do hook ups. I’m up for making friends and seeing where it goes though, I’ve always been that way. So this particular friend is really growing on me and therefore so is the crush. Crush Con 5. Or maybe it’s 1? Whichever direction is the “serious” direction on that scale.

So I want to ask her out on a date. But I’m not really sure what a date looks like. I guess really just the same hanging out things we’ve already been doing? So then it feels a little silly to insist on it being a date, instead of just keep hanging out. I guess the real point is to make her aware of feelings, and see if there’s any reciprocation. If so, I guess we’ll have to figure it out from that point what it would mean to be “dating”. If not, well, despite the large crush, I don’t think I’d be immensely heartbroken. I’m an adult, I can take it, and I can still be a good friend. She’s fun to hang out with even if it doesn’t go anywhere beyond hanging out. I’m fine with that. It’s really the question of knowing if she is receptive to flirting, wants me to flirt with her and escalate, that is what’s getting me. I think knowing one way or the other would set my mind at ease, I can just accept whatever reality is and move on. But let’s not come off too strong demanding an immediate answer; I feel like I’m going to text her the equivalent of the middle school “do you like me? check yes or no” note on a whim if I don’t figure out a plan instead. That’s not exactly gonna win some adult woman hearts, is it? Eh, maybe it would. Overthinking again. I really need to just ask her to hang out and do something mundane, and then find the courage to tell her about my crush and see how it lands.

Last updated April 15, 2024