Grandma's Funeral, work. in Since OD is shutting down....

So it’s early Saturday morning. Thursday morning we laid my Grandma to rest. The funeral was absolutely beautiful. She was very loved. We went out with my aunts and uncles for dinner at Pizza Ranch. It was a really lovely day filled with love and very peaceful.

That stupid boy was supposed to go and knew about this a week ago. He called me Thursday morning to tell me that he couldn’t make it because they didn’t have enough people and what not. I just said okay and went on with my day.

I’m really stressed about childcare over the Summer because school lets out at the end of next month. I definitely don’t like knowing how things are going to play out. Not only do I have to work but I know what it’s like having my child 24/7 for months at a time and I definitely don’t want that again. I have mentioned to her Dad that we need to start figuring out how the Summer is going to go. I’m even okay with his girlfriend picking her up and keeping her if he has to work or whatever.

My Mom’s coming to watch her in the morning. She watched her tonight for about 4 hours. I’m really worried about money because my rent is high. I have other bills and have to constantly worry about childcare. It just sucks that everyone has made sure to not help all these years and that’s what sticks in my mind. I have to work, it’s not optional. It was never to be optional and now I have financial setbacks and definitely not where I need to be because I didn’t have to childcare that I needed.

I just feel like I’m never going to have a better vehicle or live in a different place. It’s just been one barrier after another. I remember even being in the bathroom tonight thinking about how the fuck I’m ever going to make things happen because I don’t make a lot of money and I have to rely on others to help with my daughter or we’re not going to make it. My Dad still makes it super clear that he doesn’t like my Mom babysitting and I can’t plan for her to do it every weekend. I’ve also posted several ads on Facebook and these women are either too far away, want too much money or don’t bother answering my messages.

But yeah, I’m still thinking about that boy. I feel that things are unresolved. I would just like to know what exactly happened and why he was so hell bent to twist the narrative that I was this insecure, needy bitch. He came over Monday afternoon while I was cleaning out the hall closet just to criticize me and haven’t seen him since. He seriously made me feel lower than dirt. I think the only nice thing he said was that I have a really good head on my shoulders. The rest of it was very hurtful and I couldn’t wait for him to leave.

My friend called tonight while I was working and I gave him a quick run down of what happened. The main thing he was stuck on is me having the guy around my kid. I told him that I made a mistake and no one will be around my daughter again until I’ve known them for a few months and feel that they are actually going to stick around. He had only been around her one morning while I took her to school. He sat in my car while I walked her in and had plenty to say once I returned. It was just him criticizing me. It’s like bruh, I have known you like 4 days so I don’t care how you feel about my parenting. Your opinions are invalid.

I just wish it was easier to date. It sucks that it’s not a fun thing at all. I am still talking to people online and plan to keep the door open though. Shutting down and not trying at all isn’t going to help me find someone. I did change my profile thing and mentioned that I’m kid free every other weekend and would like to find people to do stuff with while I’m available. I would really like to be able to just work while she’s away and then have someone to hang out with in the evening and even have someone spend the night. He had spent the night a couple of times and I miss having someone to cuddle with. I remember I’d wake up and he’d pull me closer. Thinking about that just makes me weak. I’d like to find that again.

My brother took a picture of me with our parents and little brother at the funeral and I’m feeling really fat and ugly. I need to start making it a priority to be at least going for walks, drinking more water. I really don’t like the way I look at all. I’ve gained about 20 pounds since my medications weren’t regular for a few months and since I quit smoking. I seriously think that I’m treated like shit because of my weight.

Being single for most of my adult life really puts things into perspective. I’ve made my fair share of mistakes and I’m doing what I can to reflect and work on myself. I just wish I could find someone to stick around. Whether I’m the problem or not, I really have gotten my feelings hurt. I’m hoping to find at least a friend on the weekends my daughter is gone so I have someone to do things with.