You guys are awesome! in Since OD is shutting down....

I’ve been reading my comments from my last entry and I’m sitting here crying like no other. Y’all have been so supportive! I get more support online from people I don’t know than here in what should be my circle. Every single one of you has definitely helped put all of this into perspective for me and I feel very empowered. I need every bit of support you guys give. Honestly, I feel so much better about everything because of the wonderful comments I’ve received!

One of the things I’ve realized is just because I’ve been hurt, used, pushed away, misunderstood, lied to and mistreated doesn’t mean that I should shut the door on dating. I plan to keep trying to find my person and even if I don’t, I wouldn’t mind finding a new friend. Even if that’s someone is a man or a woman. I would like to have more of a social outlet than just my brother and his girlfriend. I would be okay with finding someone to hang out with when I’m kid free. I don’t want to just be so closed off that I’m not giving myself a fair chance to find a good person.

It’s like deciding not to try anymore leads to even more loneliness and it’s basically saying that they are helping influence your future decisions. It’s saying that they got in your head to the point where you are making the choice to stay lonely. I firmly believe that the guy I’m looking for is probably looking for me too. I’m never going to find anyone unless I put myself out there. I just don’t want to feel as if I’m cheating myself. I have every right to keep trying to find people to spend my free time with.

Another thing is when I get too hurt or disappointed, I tend to block people. Block them in every way I can. Make it to where I’ve gone completely ghost. I’m not going to do that this time. If he chooses to reach me, he can do that. I feel like by blocking him, that’s him winning. I need to get out of that mindset. Just let whatever flow how it may. I think that because things went south so fast, it was a really good thing because there wasn’t much invested and I’m not going to just walk around being upset for too long. I’m grateful to see his true self within 2 weeks. A lot of good things came out of this. Everything happens for a reason.

I think staying home yesterday with my daughter was absolutely needed. She’d been gone all weekend with her Dad and I was in my feelings. I think it was good for us to just spend time together and for me to sort out my feelings so that I’m able to let them go. I also remember the saying that if you don’t heal, you are going to bleed on the ones that didn’t cut you. I want to heal and move on. The next time I go to meet someone, I want them to get the absolute best version of me and make sure they understand I will not be mistreated again. There was plenty of red flags here starting with him telling me Saturday night that I just wasn’t a priority.