I'm fucking heartbroken. in Since OD is shutting down....

All I can say is I will never try to find a man after this. I am going to make 1 entry about this person and I won’t speak of it again. I just don’t understand why I’m always berated for my likes or how my life turned out. I’m tired of people having no compassion and wanting to make me feel worse about my situation. It’s not my fault that I have a bad back and deal with 3 herniated discs or that I’m a single Mom. I’m sorry that I like country music. I’m sorry if everything about me makes me unlovable or unworthy. I’m sorry for what I am. I’m sorry that I’m never good enough.

It was foolish for me to think I’d actually find someone who wants to be with me. It was foolish to think I was good enough. It was crazy that someone made me feel like this is going to take off and end up being a long time love. I am sorry that I thought this would go somewhere. I’m sorry that I got upset that 1 day I was a priority and then the next thing I know this person tells me that I’m just not a priority.

I’ve spent the day being very depressed and trying to figure out what happened so I can make sense of it. Well, the first few days I knew him, he was very drunk everyday and that brought out his needy side. Then, he started to be more sober which made him mean because he felt guilty that he had spent time away from his children to be with me so he wanted to say whatever to push me away.

I broke down and texted him tonight. That was a complete and utter disaster and I’ll never reach out to that man again. He’s a very hurtful person and his main objective is to act like he’s above me. He just talked about how I’d kicked him to the curb but he’s made hardly any effort with me in days now. I have already been kicked to the curb. He talked about how I’d fucked up and you don’t get anything you don’t earn. Just a jumbled mess of crazy.

I’m just going to focus on getting my kid to school here in a few hours and doing the grocery shopping. I don’t even know why I have wasted so much time being hung up on someone who’s mission is to hurt me and not be around anyways. I have realized that until I have adequate childcare to work a real job, there’s no sense in dating. If one man can belittle me for my job, another one will. I am at least doing something. I can only imagine how much worse this would be if I just sat on my ass everyday living off welfare and had to plan to fucking change it! These people would have even more to say!

My daughter laid in bed crying her eyes out again tonight missing her Dad. I told her multiple times she will see him again in a few days. She talked to him over the phone which helped but I just don’t always know what to say or do. I’m sorry that he can’t be around more but hopefully it will change. I need him to help with her and get his shit together because I can’t just go on doing the job I’m doing forever. I really do hope that we’re going to be able to stay in a good place this time and make it work. She’s been really hard on me the last couple of days and told me that I shouldn’t even be a Mom. Good God!

I think it’s going to be a cold day in July before I try this dating thing again. I’ve been fucked up all day because of that man and I don’t like that. It’s been hard trying to function or think about anything other than him. I’ve wasted a lot of time and emotion on someone who doesn’t care. Being single for most of my adult life has had really adverse affects on my thinking and what I’m tolerating. I definitely agree with him when he’s said that I’m needy. I ‘need’ to find a man that’s going to be understanding and wants a woman that actually is open to being vulnerable.

He’s also made a lot of very critical comments about my life and has been downright unfair with the things he’s said. I feel that he’s lacking compassion to the fullest degree. I’m sorry that I have 3 herniated discs in my lower back which does affect my daily life and job choices. I’m sorry that I’m a single Mom and don’t have the adequate childcare that’s needed so I can work a real job. I’m sorry that I’ve been in this same exact situation for almost 7 years now! It’s like does anyone think I enjoy this predicament? Does anyone understand what this is like for me every single day?! I really don’t need someone to come into my life just to belittle me. I need people who are going to build me up. It’s like when he came over on Monday and he didn’t not have 1 nice thing to say about me or my life. I think I’ve handled everything very well doing it by myself all these years. I don’t get any credit for the fact that I’ve kept us fed, housed, clothed, and have had a reliable vehicle this whole time.

I am so tired of hearing more negative than I ever hear positive. I’m tired of everyone making me out to be a piece of garbage when I really don’t think that I am. I’m just trying to gracefully play the card I’ve been dealt and I’m sorry that’s not good enough for anybody! At least I’m doing something! I could just sit around and live for free and eventually not even have a car because the one I have isn’t going to make it much longer. I could have a totally different mindset that would really piss people off. Everyone should be grateful that I do work, even if they don’t think I’m doing enough!

All I know is I plan to leave that man alone and keep living my life. I just don’t need him tearing me down and making me feel even worse about everything. I’ve spent several days being sad that he’s not around while he’s busy working, spending time with his kids and living his life without a care at all for me. Why am I letting this person have that over on me? Nah, I need to keep living. The right guy will come along at some point. It sucks that it wasn’t him. It’s not meant to be for whatever reason.

I’m going to have a good day today regardless. I’ve spent enough time being upset and I have to keep going. I don’t like admitting that someone was able to break me down for a day or two. That’s what they want. I do plan to make a counseling appointment because I need someone to talk to and help guide me through this. I just hope my work is busy in the morning because the worst part is not having anything to do and being in my head all day long. I’m alone a lot and to the point where I literally can’t fucking stand it. I also don’t know how the Summer is going to be because I won’t have reliable childcare.

I have to accept that the man he is now is different than the one he pretended to be in the first few days. He’s a very selfish, hurtful, nasty person that I need to have nothing more to do with. It’s hard to forget how sweet he was in the beginning but that’s not who he is now. I have to forget about the mask he had because it fell way too fast. He doesn’t want to be with me at all. He can’t make time for me, everything else in his life is more important. I should have been completely done Saturday night when he said I just wasn’t a priority and that I was jealous of his kids. It’s like no motherfucker, you gave me your time and attention the first few days and then pretty much quit trying all together! You shouldn’t have made all the effort you did right away because then I wouldn’t have expected it! If you can’t uphold the illusion than there shouldn’t be one in the first fucking place!

I know that I get to go back to being alone all the time while my daughter is at school and if work isn’t busy, I just sit here by myself but there’s nothing I can do. I’m not going to try and date for awhile but I will eventually. It’s human nature to want to find love and to find your person so I don’t think I’ll ever completely give up on it but I think for now it would be a good idea to worry about my own shit. I just keep in mind that everything happens for a reason. The weather is going to start getting nice and I need to plan to start being outside more. I need to honestly start working on myself. I’ve gained some weight since I quit smoking and my blood sugars have been high. It would be really good for me to start going for walks and being more active.

I remember telling him the other day that I had spent hours waiting for work to get busy and I was bored. He fired back saying how I could go to work. Um, pretty sure I had just told him it wasn’t busy! He then said for me to go to the library or the park. Um, it was like 30 degrees and raining like crazy. Probably not going to the park. But I do agree with my friend when she said that I am totally good with being alone but then someone came along and I enjoyed their company so I became needy. I am just upset that I have to always be this really tough person and I’m not allowed to show any kind of vulnerability without it looking like I’m needy. I just need to find a happy medium somewhere and the right man to be patient and understanding.

All I know is I’m definitely glad the mask dropped and I now see his true colors. The guy is a fucking asshole and he’ll treat the next bitch the same way. It’s probably a good thing that everything came out as fast as it did so I can walk away before I really got hurt. He’s a very mean person who enjoyed tearing me down. He had a lot to say about a life he’s never lived. I remember the other day him telling me that he’ll be going out and doing the bar thing since he’s raised his kids. He’s made those sacrifices. Okay well have fun and I’m going to continue being a Mom! I don’t blame him whatsoever but I don’t need anyone trying to make me feel bad that I don’t always have a sitter to go out and do stuff either.

I’m glad that I’m in a much better place to talk about all of this because over the weekend, it was paralyzing. I seriously was so fucking depressed I wanted to wrap my car around a fucking pole. This is why I just don’t date. I don’t like feeling what I feel every single time. I think all men want to hurt you in some way. Whether it’s financially or emotionally. I’m also not going to worry about some man that’s never around but wants me to stay hung up on him so he gets that ego stroke. No, there’s plenty of women that may not mind being treated that way and being on standby but I’m not one of them.

But yeah, it’s going to be a long while before I even attempt to talk to someone. I need to just forget about it. I’m lonely and I don’t like being in my head all the time but I don’t need to have people around that are hurting me either. It just sucks that I had a few days with someone who made time for me and now I have to go back to being by myself while my daughter is at school. I realize now more than ever it’s better to just stick to myself because it takes time to adjust back to that.

Anyways, I’m going to try and get a couple of hours of sleep before the alarm.