Neurotransmitters Are Crazy in Life Is A Circle, Or A Torus

Returning here after some months, this time with reinforced neurotransmitters from antidepressants. First time I’ve ever tried them in my life. I always thought that I didn’t need them, that I could multitask and handle stress better than most people and it would be a waste for me to take up a doctor’s time. But anxiety has just been overwhelming, and for a long while now. I couldn’t handle the anxiety at my previous job and quit and that was months ago, and I wasn’t sure it was really getting better. Encouraged by family though, and my doctor’s support, we all agreed we had to do something about the anxiety and so I started medication. Ironically having panic attacks about taking anxiety medicine, worried about side effects, or perhaps even worse that it might not work at all and I’d be left with no answers. Been a couple weeks now and while I can’t say for sure it’s all due to medication, I do feel calmer than I’ve been in a long while. Others are noticing it in me too; some family members said yesterday that I look better and healthier than I have in a long time. I don’t feel like I’m hyperfocusing on things. I’ve noticed that the stray intrusive thoughts come, but then kinda just evaporate with a “eh, that’s not really a thing” reaction in my mind. More encouraged than ever that my anxiety is being treated; that my anxiety wasn’t just me “not trying hard enough” but a medical condition on some level.

The calm has allowed me to start reconsidering what sort of life I want to have. Perhaps because of anxiety beginning to lift, I’ve been more comfortable with leaving the house and just walking around the neighborhood. The exercise has been good for me. And seeing people out being normal, just walking around, makes me feel better today. Maybe I will eventually be a little more social and start talking to some of them. It’d be nice to know more about my neighbors instead of being a semi-shut-in.

I’ve been realizing that I’m revisiting a lot of the things that have been on my mind for a long time, and I think it must have been my anxiety keeping things stuck in a loop. It’s so hard to get started on anything when you’re anxious and depressed. Sitting and stewing, analyzing over and over again, seems somehow “safer” than actually trying to do something. So I’m trying not to be stuck anymore now. That should help remove anxiety itself too, as much as the medication, if I can just get myself started. I realized this after leaving a friend a long rambling message. At first I thought, she hasn’t heard any of this before right? And then I realized that I think I largely just repeated myself from a previous message. Actually probably the last 10 messages. It’s good to have friends that understand.

I’m giving myself two tasks this spring. I need to find a better job and I need to be more social and “re-learn” how to talk to people and be human.

I need a job that I can feel more proud of than my previous work. I need a job that won’t aggravate my stress and anxiety. That’s kind of asking for a lot these days I think, but I will try to be hopeful I can find something that will work for me.

I also need to re-learn to be social. To talk to people. To make friends. I need to figure out who I want to be. I don’t feel like I really know who I am anymore. Like, what hobbies do I have? What interests do I have? I feel like jobs and anxiety took over my life for so long that I lost all of it. Maybe this is a good opportunity to reinvent myself. What hobbies do I want? Can I make friends with those interests? I’d honestly like to go a few dates too. I’m ok with keeping it just casual fun outings, doesn’t even gotta be romantic or sexual - though I wouldn’t be upset if it came up! I’m just thinking as a way of building up some social skills and meeting new people. Maybe dates would even be a way to try out new hobbies. Maybe I’ll love mini golf or something if we try it. I don’t know, what do people do on dates anymore? I’m probably kinda boring. But I don’t want to be boring. I want to re-discover my interests, hobbies, and myself.

I hope the medication keeps working and there’s a good year ahead.