The Falling Sky in Current Events

The pain isn’t happening when you are drunk, high, hooking up, having that affair, eating junk food, binge-watching Netflix, making that purchase, etc. We just forget that the pain is happening. We numb ourselves out but emotions have mass. They metastasize. Our mind, our body, and our soul know the score.

I tuned into myself for a second. Just a second. I discovered that I am panicked. I am in fight or flight mode. I numbed it out, I can barely feel it. I bury it under busy. Underneath everything is a chicken little. Hide yo kids, hide yo wife, the sky is falling up in here. I’m waiting for everything to fall apart on me. As it does. Nothing can last if it is built on fiction.

I’m not sure how long it has been this way. Obvious as it is. I don’t know how to fix it. I can’t fix it by doing things my way. We can’t fix a problem with the same mind that created it. This has been a direct influence on my behavior. That positive feedback loop I trap myself in. I’ve only been blogging about it for 20 years. I’m only coping with it. Diet, exercise, etc.

My doctor once suggested that I see a psychotherapist to help me change my behavior. Of course, I don’t have the funds. I didn’t get much from the last therapist I saw. He got more from me, I feel. He was too peopley. People think too small. They’re short-sighted. They’re a re-creation of something or someone else. They’re predictable. They’re dull, dumb, and dependent. They’ve made themselves infinitesimal. (I’m aware that I’m projecting.)

Doom and gloom are old friends of mine. I would rather look forward to life and be content and happy. This toxic optimism is not working. I’m just lobotomizing myself with positive thinking. Or am I?

I went to a comedy show with my friends last night. One of the comedians has stage 4 colon cancer. She has worse problems than I do and couldn’t have been happier on that stage. Maybe there is something freeing about knowing you have a year left to live. Nothing matters anymore.

The last time my late grandmother visited me in a dream, she made me realize that I do not take anything to the other side. Let it go, it is weighing you down. She didn’t tell me that. Her spirit did. I felt love. I felt like I had love and the whole world on my side at that moment.

I learned a while ago now that it was never the content in my life that was hurting me. It was the context. I don’t know how to change my story. I barely know what my story is. I’m a big bloated bitch who blogs on Prosebox.

I just want things to be simple. To be easy. That takes skills, I know. Everything feels so demanding. It’s heavy and I don’t want to do it alone. I am a broken angel. I have tattered and torn wings that can no longer carry the burdens. I am destined to walk alone. - Inner Emo

The way we see the world is the way we see ourselves. I spy with my little eye… a world too complicated for a single consciousness to process. I’m tomplicated and I wish I had come with a manual.

The first duty in life is to assume a pose. What the second duty is… no one has yet found out. This world is a dollhouse. It has plenty of characters that come with manuals. Assume a role. Assume the position. Talk like they do, think like they do, believe what they do, do what they do, and everybody will be happy. I learned long ago that I was expanding into fictions. Identity is idolatry. My journey is to be my authentic self. That is how I am to add value to others.

We are in hell. This is the lowest level of creation. Rock bottom. It is death, as we understand. This is where matter vibrates low and becomes material. Death= door+aether. In the aether, we are love. Love is oneness. We are pure unconditioned consciousness. The all-maker gave us theater, the aether so that we can have conditions. So that we can have experiences and expand. The more we expand, the more he expands. However, that is an inside job. That is where nobody wants to go but we must remember who we are. Re member who we are, put ourselves back together. The revolution we need can only be internalized. We need to start by snapping out of hypnosis. We are sleepwalking through life.

As above, so below. As within, so without. The oil at the base of our spine is sacred. Our bodies are electrical appliances and have 7 electrical resistors. The most popular name for them is Chakra, shock-ra. These are the seven seals. At the base of our spine, our root chakra resides in hell (heel). The acid in our stomach is the fire and brimstone. It can hurt the sacred oil that is to be heaved up the 33 vertebrae. We need to keep our bodies alkaline. Meat is dense with nutrients but the trade-off is acidosis. Alcohol will make that sacred oil a vinegar. Fornicators forfeit this process. Once you spill seed, it’s game over. That was your life force. You stop living and you start dying. You age rapidly. We can try again in the next life though. This work transcends lifetimes based on our karma. How dense we are when we pass. We must be vibrating higher than the moon otherwise Saturn will send us back down (Cancer and Capricorn). The root chakra is the lowest form of consciousness. This is where we are collectively. Our libido rules us. We serve our hunger and our thirst. We serve false idols. We are ruled by our fear. The carnal mind has hijacked us.

Be Not Afraid. The Bible tells us 365 times. That’s one affirmation a day for a year. Fear is paralytic to our consciousness. We stay in sin, which just means sink. Heaven is heave. We heave the oil in our spines. It then mixes with salts, salvation. The milk and honey are the secretions that enter the pineal gland once we heave that oil there. One has electrical properties and one has magnetic properties (masculine/feminine = force/motion = physical/non-physical). It dies for a couple of days. Then it is reborn. We are reborn. We will see blue light. Mayan blue or Krishna blue. Our bodies fill with light which is god. We regenerate. We become a point of singularity. We can live here forever if we become enlightened. Just repeat the process. This has been hidden from us. We hid it from ourselves for this turning of the age.

Through Christ, we find God. Christ is that sacred oil. His age was 33 because of the 33 vertebrae in our spines. At the top of Jacob’s ladder, in the place he called Piniel, he saw God face to face. This is supposed to be the journey. Not this prison we are spiritualizing. Where we try to grow nations and religions. Wealth and power. Those are not real. That is pyschosis. It is mental illness. We are not able to relate to reality anymore.

I just want to run away. Find a truly holy place and do the real spiritual works. Spiritual means breathing ritual. We have to do the right things, eat the right things, and get your body in the condition, to heave that oil up the spine. Where you then must serve God (others) and the truth. Instead, I serve things that do not exist in reality. Nations, creeds, economy, NPCs. In this spiritualized prison, we are on a spinning rock floating aimlessly in space. We worship ourselves, our creations, and the false sensual sciences where life has no meaning.

When you need food, you feel hunger. When you need water, you feel thirsty. When you need to grow… you feel stuck. Earth is ghetto and I want to leave. Beam me up.

That dying comedian didn’t catch cancer. She created it. Disease doesn’t work the way we were taught. Her treatments are not a cure because cancer is the cure. The disease is her own toxic burden. I had a What’s the point? moment when I was imagining a conversation with her about alternative cancer treatments. If I do get my doctorate in Naturopathy, nobody will listen. Nobody will believe they are being harmed by those who are supposed to be serving us. That they are harming themselves. I posted a reel that gave a quick explanation of how western healthcare came to be what it is. An old, white, fat, out-of-touch boomer commented as usual. Called me many names. I looked at his profile picture, his mother recently passed away after a 15-year battle with Alzheimer’s. I wonder what cholesterol-lowering medication she was on. That’s what killed her. If I had half a mind I would have said something about it. Would have made no difference. Nothing makes a difference is where my mindset is at. I am projecting, naturally. I don’t think I can make a difference in my self and my world.

Don’t know what the point is with my entry today, I just want to air myself out with another diatribe. I can’t make sense make sense. I am in a rut, clearly. I saw a post from my old crush. He is traveling again. He’s always somewhere experiencing everything. I have FOMO. Or do I have wanderlust? I have something I don’t exactly understand.

I used to have recurring dreams of myself running. The setting was always somewhere different. I could never tell if I was running away or toward something. At the end of the dream, I would be on all fours. I would grab the earth below me and throw myself forward to gain more speed. Then I would leap into the air. I would clear houses before I crashed back down where I would wake up. The night my friend passed away when I was 17, I had my last dream of that.

I was running through the forest near my bible camp. It was night, the moon was full. The dream progressed as it usually did. Only I leaped over the lake. Below me I could see my reflection. Behind me was the moon. I could see myself with three pairs of wings. They started to break under the moonlight. I didn’t wake up when I crashed down. I hit the water. I went under and got tangled in the seaweed. I had to tear off my wings to break free. Just as I broke the surface I woke up gasping for air.

That was the night I came out of my shell. I had severe social anxiety. I never said a word. Everything made me feel embarrassed. I went supernova when Mae passed away. She was a light in this world. The world got that much darker when she left us. I felt a need to step up and be that amazing person for our friends. Whom I am still friends with to this day. These are the girls I always talk about. That I go camping with. We were just at the comedy club last night. I was trapped inside myself and wanted to break free. I feel like I am there again. Trapped inside myself. I want to go supernova. Everything I am will have to die in the process. The ego has a death grip as a result. Everything will be fine, we will be safe, if we just don’t. I need to learn how to take leaps of faith.

Happy Easter though! We celebrate that on the first Sunday after the first full moon after the spring equinox. Pagan much? It’s just astrology. The sun of God is reborn in Aries. The lamb of God. Astro logos = word of god. Infallible. Unreachable. Cannot be hidden. It was the universal language and system that united us all across history and culture. We knew that time is not linear, it is cyclical. We go through ages. In the age of Pisces, we knew we would go to sleep. We would become believers and betray ourselves. In this turning of the age, we become knowers again. The old systems will die first. It will be Biblical, pun intended. It will be apocalyptic. Apocalypse just means to unveil. Revelations, if you will. The four horsemen of the apocalypse are Aries, Cancer, Libra, and Capricorn. They represent the two equinoxes and solstices that make the zodiac wheel go round. All secrets are contained within.

Jesus is the lamb in Aries, the horse in Sagittarius, the scales in Libra, the king in Capricorn, and his DISCiples are the zodiac signs. Mary Magdalene is magnetism. The zodiac is the round table. King Arthur is the sun and his knights of the Round Table are the zodiac. Humpty Dumpty is the moon, the king’s horses, and the king’s men are the zodiac. Robinhood is the sun, and his merry men are the zodiac signs. Little Riding Hood is the sun. Sleeping beauty is the earth. When she sleeps, it is winter. The spinster is Scorpio. Snow White is sunlight. When you break it in a prism, you get seven dwarfs. Jack and the beanstalk, the beanstalk is our spine. The giants are the zodiac. Our spine is the tower of Babylon. It is Mount Olympus. The Jordan River. Every culture had giants, star people, angels, and gods who came down and taught us everything. Serpents and dragons. These were the zodiac signs. The serpents and dragons were the electricity in our spines. Electricity vibrates, it hurts us. We want to radiate. Israel is the zodiac. The real Israelites study astrology. Astrotheology. Moses is the sun traveling through the twelve tribes of the zodiac. The Egyptians consolidated the three cults of the time. Lunar, solar, and stellar. Isis, Ammon-Ra, Elyon. IS=Lunar, RA=Solar, EL=Stellar. ISRAEL. In ancient Alexandria, the gnostics consolidated even more cults. The Gnostics were Christians before Christianity. They knew what was coming and hid their work.

Speaking of the end of the world, I read about someone’s hair fashion faux pas and I got sad about my own. The hairdresser did them dirty. This was my hair before a trim that ruined everything. I want it back. My stress-induced alopecia is in my way. There always has to be something. I don’t know how to stress management. I just know enough to help me avoid the big pitfalls. How to not end up a drunk, a junkie, or a sex addict. I should move on with my day now.