Where I've Been in Whatever Will Be Will Be

I hate my body. In so many specific ways. I awoke on Monday and could not move. My body went unresponsive. A fact of my physical condition. This happens… more often than I’d like to admit… but that is the very reason why a majority of people with my condition are on disability. I refuse. I know I can do more, be more. And my career to this point proves that! It’s just.... my career of late has pushed that. It is not simply “Can a disabled man fit into the able bodied world?” It is “Can a disabled man fit into the able bodied world and do more than would be expected of others?” AND THE ANSWER IS YES… but for… periods like this. On Monday, I called in sick to work. I had three trials. I hadn’t spent sufficient time over the weekend preparing them, and in my unable to walk state- I didn’t have a prayer of putting them on. On Tuesday? FUCK. I woke up in time to text the office, then fell asleep for another TEN hours. Today? I am able to get out of bed and walk around… with extreme pain, but I can move. Another reason why… as many things say “KEEP THIS JOB” there are equal number saying “GET A DIFFERENT JOB!” When my entire office is not only short-staffed; but chronically, abysmally short-staffed… relying on a person like me is unfair. They’re already so deep in the hole, a person of my inconsistency is a liability! BUT all the same… they are so desperately short staffed… this is the kind of office that would never terminate me due to my inconsistency because they so badly need employees. The exhaustion and fatigue honestly make me a little suicidal; but that’s where Hermia and everything else comes in. I can stomach the extreme pain because there are people who love me. I can push forward because there are people who care.

But I also know that I am letting people down. I also know that my absence from work is letting an entire community down. But then… I also acknowledge… that community is NOT hoping I get well and do better. Every news story lately has been about violence, gun crime, and the sense of a community that “We’d rather gang warfare then over zealous cops” and… I can’t understand that on any level. I cannot understand a community that supports random gun death because “at least cops aren’t killing unarmed black kids.” IT SHOULDN’T BE AN EITHER/OR! In my ten year career, almost every time there was an officer involved shooting, the victim was a white man. But that is because I worked counties where less than 4% of the county was BIPOC. I’ve now moved to a county where the population is (according to Federal Data) “the most ethnically diverse population in the state”… at the same time, this is “one of the 5 most violent populations in the state” and dig into that. A lot of people we arrest are from Chicago or Atlanta… because gang crime is a business and businesses survive by expanding. Meanwhile, most of our juries haven’t spent more than 3 years outside of Iowa.... so they see a Black Defendant and instantly think Racial Profiling. Meanwhile.... STILL despite all of that… at my level of crime? I am still MOSTLY dealing with White Defendants. Everything about the politics of this job is frustrating.

So, I am here. At home. Literally physically broken. Upset that I cannot be at work. Understanding that NOT being at work just means there is more for me to do when I get back. And as ever… TRULY… as ever… wondering why humans can’t understand their position in this cosmic loop. If humanity decided to live in community… honest, sincere, cooperative community… everyone would succeed. By constantly living in competition? The wealthy hurt everyone and call it lawful. The poor hurt specific people and call it personal. The fact that we are NOT criminally pursuing the wealthy is a function of the corruption that exists within all human systems. The fact that we are less and less upset about the poor hurting specific people is a clear indication that we understand the injustice in the world and, bafflingly, think the appropriate response is “more injustice.”

We need justice to work FOR ALL protecting all and punishing all. But… I’ve not met many people that appreciate that perspective, let alone understand what it would take to implement that perspective. But… I’ve been massively sick and sucking down cold medicine so… who am I to say anything?!