It's Sunday. in Since OD is shutting down....

So it’s been a whirlwind of activity the past few days. My Mom did come and babysit yesterday and on Friday. I haven’t heard from her today because it has snowed so that’s her out. I’m still trying to figure out the day because I haven’t made as much as I need or want and would like to work at some point, even if it’s for a couple of hours.

Tik Tok is talking about baby Jailyn. I wonder what actually happened to make the Mom decide to leave that baby alone. Maybe because she never had a sitter and her mental health went downhill? Everyone wants to talk about how she’s a fucking monster but how about we consider there could be a lot of different variables that lead to this! There’s absolutely no fucking excuse to leave your 16 month home alone whatsoever and I am not making excuses at all but I have enough knowledge and experience as a single Mom that if you don’t get a break, you eventually break!

But yeah, it’s cold and it’s snowed some. I wonder what the roads are like. I’m just worried about money and would definitely like to make a little bit today. I know that there’s zero chance of my Mom coming today and I think my brother drank last night so there’s no point in asking him. I am so fucking sick of this same situation day after day, week after week, month after month. My mental health really is being affected by not having the help I need and completely understand why single Mom’s go off the fucking deep end.

It’s also bullshit how hard it is to find reliable, trustworthy people to watch your kid and the greed is insane. I’m not going to hand over damn near everything I earn for someone to watch my kid sit and play on her phone!!! This world is all about money and then wonder why bad things fucking happen! Society needs to take some of the blame for shit too.

I’m sure part of the reason my Mom won’t come today is because she’s been here the last 2 days and that’s a lot for her to be away from my Dad. I also think he likes being able to financially abuse me by not allowing my Mom to babysit. I have also given her $25/day because I don’t want him trying to put it in her head that I’m using her because he’s done that before as well. It doesn’t matter that I’ve given them THOUSANDS of dollars over the years where I didn’t get paid back and they absolutely used the fuck out of me but if she babysits, I have to make it a priority to give her some money or that will be an issue!

Maybe I’m supposed to just take the day off and stay home. It’s just hard to relax knowing I need to make money. I also worry because we won’t have school for the week too. I doubt my Mom is going to come watch her as much as I would need. I’m scared I’ll be short for next week as well. Then I worry about Summer where there won’t be childcare at all. I would just like to know what everyone expects me to do. I can’t just sit around and do nothing. It isn’t an option, it honestly never was but now I have this loan to pay back and they will be taking money out of my account every week until it’s paid. I just want to get that shit paid back because the longer that is unpaid, the more stress I have and the more money they end up getting.

She came over Friday and said that they have plans next weekend. I informed her that I’m planning to start leaving her at home by herself for a couple of hours at a time. She definitely didn’t like that idea and said she would be here to watch her. I seriously am not playing around anymore. I’ve sat here for years waiting for anyone to care enough to want to help and that’s gotten me and my daughter nowhere. I trust that she would know what to do in an emergency. She has her phone. She knows to stay inside with the windows and doors locked. She’s never really gotten into anything, even when she was a toddler.

I also don’t like being fully reliant on anyone. My Mom is also not the most reliable person and that will never change. My Dad likes to make sure that she’s never around or if she is, it’s a very rare and special occasion. I can’t spend my life sitting here waiting for people to care enough to help. I understand everything and I’m going to do what I have to do. It really hurts that people just don’t care but I have to get up and keep going.

It’s evening now. I’ve spent some of my day talking to a co-worker from my old job. I only heard from that man once today. The roads are still very slick and it’s super cold outside. It was a good day to just stay home and watch TV. I’m still upset about not making money but there’s nothing I could do about it. These things happen.

I just feel like I’m in a race against the clock to get that loan paid off before the car breaks down again. But at least my Mom gave me the heads up that she won’t help next weekend so I’m on my own, like I’ve been for almost 7 years. I’m just going to plan for my daughter to be home by herself for no more than 2 hours at a time. I could sit around all week and not make any money in hopes that my Mom could possibly watch her but then she won’t and then I’ve spent the whole week wasting time thinking there’s a chance I’ll have a sitter but that’s not likely. I have since posted yet again online and still can’t find any solid leads for someone to help out.

This is absolutely bullshit. I am so fucking sick of being in this predicament that I could fucking scream. I would love to know how it’s legal that a man can get your pregnant and walk away where you are the sole provider for a child, oh and no one else helps either. I would love to see his ass rot in jail. I just want to know how this shit isn’t punishable by law. It’s abandonment, neglect and child abuse. There should be tougher laws but as long as a kid has 1 solid parent, the other one doesn’t have to be held accountable. Apparently.

But yeah, I’m annoyed that he left here Saturday night because his knee hurt and there’s been no plan for us to see each other again. I know that he doesn’t intentionally do this shit of being distant, but I’m getting bored and losing interest. I have no idea if he’s working or just sitting at home by himself or could be talking to other women or dealing with mental health issues or what. I admit that I do like him enough to say I’m a tad in love but not really hearing from him or seeing him is starting to get old. There’s really no point in trying to be in a relationship. I’m also annoyed that he apparently gets like $3K monthly and has still asked me for money. Like what in the entire fuck.

It’s like my Mom not thrilled about me saying my daughter is going to have to be home by herself some. She doesn’t like it but at the same time, she’s not going to do much in order to help either. Even with me giving her some money, it’s not going to be nearly enough. I’m also annoyed that he drives her around in HER car when it needs brakes and a CV axel instead of ever driving his own.