Yeah. in Since OD is shutting down....

So last night we went out to eat and then my friend came over. We watched a movie and just hung out. He spent the night and left this morning. I was a bit irritated because he didn’t want to make us breakfast and left very quickly because he had to go make money.

Since last weekend, I’ve had talks with my daughter about being home alone for no more than 2 hours at a time. We do not have an age limit here in our state and basically you are good unless the cops come and if they deem the child isn’t mature enough, you could face some backlash but I’ve spoken to the PD and I would feel comfortable with her staying home. She has her cell phone and knows to stay inside with the doors and windows locked and doesn’t answer the door unless I tell her before hand that someone is going to stop by.

I’ve spent the better part of 2 years trying to find a babysitter that is affordable and someone I’d be able to trust with my child and it just hasn’t happened. I worried all night about my Mom flaking out because she’s good at that and we’re to get snow at any point. I don’t know things will go for tomorrow but I don’t have a choice when it comes to working. I’ve sat and watched life pass us by and we’ve lived in poverty long enough.

My desperation is at it’s peak. I did consider reaching out to her Dad but even if he’d watch her, I wouldn’t know where she is or when she’s coming back and then he wouldn’t care about seeing her again for another 6 months. He’s never been worried about being in her life unless it’s contingent on his mood, if there’s going to be an audience and when he needs new pictures. I still wonder if he left her overnight before and I know his Mother did almost 4 years ago. The trust with them people is completely gone.

Just yesterday, I asked my brother if he could take her for a couple of hours so I could get a jump start on the weekend. He said no because he needed a break and they will be gone for 2 weeks. It’s just incredibly frustrating that there’s some excuse EVERY FUCKING WEEKEND just like there’s been all her life.

I don’t trust random strangers with my daughter. I am not going to trust randoms in my home with her either. I can’t afford to pay someone to watch her play on her phone while I’m busting my ass and running my car into the ground. My Mom LOVES to say that she’ll watch her and then doesn’t show up. She’s been doing that all my daughter’s life. I have sat here trying to figure out something for my daughter and I for so long that all I can do now is teach her independence by having her home alone. She knows that I’m not super keen on this but there’s nothing else I’m going to be able to do.

My Mom was to be on her way. I called her about an hour and a half ago stating she had to get her medications and then were to get stuff from the grocery store. I’m not understanding why my Dad can’t go by himself. I’m also worried he will try and be here while she’s babysitting. That will be just another reason why it won’t work out for her to babysit. It’s a big part of the reason I haven’t asked in years.

But, we’ll see how today goes. It’s going to snow, just don’t know when. I’d really like to make the majority of my money today and tomorrow and hope that it doesn’t snow until Sunday but if I’ve already made my money, I can just stay home and not worry about it. I just want to make my money so I can get that loan paid off and start saving for another car. The clock is ticking. The car I have isn’t going to last forever and I need to have a plan. I can’t just sit and wait until it’s no longer operable and then go into freak mode.

I seriously think everyone enjoys my situation. Ain’t nobody trying to help me climb out of it.