Monday, oh boy. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I slept pretty good last night. I was absolutely exhausted. Yesterday we had breakfast after getting busted. I knew I wasn’t to bring my daughter with me while I worked and it was discovered. I literally lost my entire shit and started crying my eyes out. I am now praying that the guy doesn’t tell on me. I called my friend and asked him what I should do and he just says I need to find friends or get her into a program. Well, I have her on a couple of waiting lists and no body wants to watch kids on weekends.

I called my Mom and she came over and watched her. I’ve since worked out a deal to have her babysit. I plan to pay her even though she said she doesn’t want any money. I have to have a sitter. I worked about 6 hours yesterday by myself and it’s crazy how much easier to was not having my daughter in tow. I’m going to do what I can to find a back up sitter, or several. It doesn’t work out for too long with my Mom but for now, I’m going to have to do what I can to make it work.

My life seems so broken. I feel like a terrible Mom because my daughter saw me completely lose it numerous times over the weekend. I don’t know what to do anymore. I seriously feel like I’m at the depths of depression. I’m seriously sick of being completely on my own. The Mom guilt is so real because my daughter is so patient. She’s truly the most amazing kid. I can’t believe she’s as tolerant as she is. It makes me feel even worse.

I really text him and wish him a happy 1 month anniversary. I end up going to his place where we talk and smash. He somehow talks me into getting him some groceries. He didn’t want to come over because of his PTSD and has days where he doesn’t want to be around kids. I’m sitting there like okay I don’t know how we’ll ever live together since I have a child. So, I go get my daughter from school and get him a few things at the store. I still don’t know how he was able to even talk me into that because of a thousand different reasons.

It’s really frustrating that every relationship in my life is costly. I get that we all struggle and life is expensive but it’s not any cheaper for me. I don’t know where people think I have it any easier when I’m responsible for another human life by myself 24/7. I don’t mind helping people out here and there but honestly, I would rather not do it at all because I seriously don’t want to. I have more than enough on my plate and whatever I give to other people is taking away from my daughter and myself.

I’ve now helped him with $40 for gas to get back on Friday, I got him a pizza Saturday night and I’ve now helped with some groceries. I even sent him a copy of the receipt from my car repair last week so he’s going to have to figure shit out for himself. I get to figure out life and paying for everything by myself for my kid and I every single day so if he was smart, he wouldn’t ask for help again. Like he even said, “well you get food stamps right” uh yeah because I have a child to feed! Groceries are expensive in this day and age. I also don’t get enough to feed us for the whole month so I get to spend plenty out of my pocket too.

All I know is this is a different type of love that I’m used to but I can also say that I’m sure it’s going to end up not being a long term thing. He’s got a lot of struggles he’s dealing with and so do I. I’m not trying to minimize his problems but I don’t like feeling that mine aren’t being validated. I too struggle with mental health issues every day and I also have 3 herniated discs in my lower back that slow me down.

I definitely feel that this is not going to work out. We both have a lot of issues and I don’t like how there’s so much on me to make this work. I don’t feel that it’s equal at all. Even yesterday he wanted me to kiss him from head to toe because he’s done it for me. Well, I didn’t ask. I also don’t like feeling that I have to be doing stuff for him. It’s confusing how he talks about being a provider and a protector but I don’t feel like he’s even making the effort he should be with me and for him to say how he doesn’t always want to be around children makes me really question how hard I should even try in this.

He was telling me yesterday that he’s going to start classes in the morning and at night for AA type stuff. I guess we won’t even see each other again until Wednesday and that’s if I go over to his place. He did mention something about gas so I’m sure that’s why he is more into me wasting mine to see him instead of him coming over. I don’t get where he acts like I have more money then he does, but whatever. I text him last night and said I don’t even know when I’ll see you again and he writes back, “you’ll get to see me on Wednesday if you come over” uh okay well that’s nice how that’s worded I guess!

I know with 100% certainty this is not going to work out. It’s annoying that he can’t pay for his own food, even jokingly asked for me to doordash him something to eat but has packs of cigarettes and cans of chew all over his place. Like what. I just think if smoking or chew is hindering your ability to feed yourself, you should probably plan to quit. I’m happy as fuck that I chose to stop smoking about 5 weeks ago and part of the reason was simply because I was sick of buying them. There’s plenty of more important things to spend your money on.

Like I don’t even get the luxury of being selfish because I’m a Mom. A single Mom at that. So for someone to sit there and be able to afford cigarettes and chew but turn around and ask me to Doordash them food or get them groceries is really sickening. Whether I get EBT or not, it’s not my job to feed you. Whether I get EBT or not, that’s my business and it’s not just owed to someone else because I get it and they don’t. I get it because I have a child. I also don’t get enough to even feed us 2 for the month so it’s more money out of my pocket towards the end of the month when I’ve helped someone, even if it’s only $20!

So I get paid tomorrow and then I plan to put a big payment on my loan. The sooner I get that paid off, the easier life is going to be. I plan to keep like $150 on my card so I can get gas and give my Mom some money to babysit. I know they are broke too and I don’t expect her to babysit for free. I won’t be able to give her a lot, but something is better than nothing. I am just so fixed on wanting to get my loan paid and I think even after I make a big payment tomorrow, I’m going to feel better. The sooner it gets paid off, the less money I’ll have to give them and the stress will be gone. I just hate owing money.

I feel like I definitely don’t get the support from him that I need. I fully understand that he’s dealing with his own stuff but I don’t feel like he’s there for me at all. I had that court date yesterday and didn’t show up because I didn’t have anyone to come with me and I’m not dealing with that person by myself again. I’m very upset that it wasn’t even a thought for him to come and the fact that he said he doesn’t want things to move too fast by us spending every night together and that we are going to save that for weekends. I don’t know, there’s just a lot of things that I’m really starting to question. I don’t want to spend every single night together but I don’t like how he just decides for the both of us that it’s only going to happen on weekends?!

No matter what, I’m still diligently looking for babysitters and back up plans. It never works out for too long with my Mom watching my kid but I seriously don’t have anyone else and I can’t plan to just sit around and never work again. This past weekend was fucking awful and my guilt is still eating me alive because I was losing my entire shit in front of my kid. I apologized like crazy but I still feel like the Mom from hell.

More tomorrow.