Car bill, doing alright. in Since OD is shutting down....

It’s now Sunday morning. I got the car fixed, I guess. It was a couple of thousand dollars and it still makes the same noises as before. I’m hoping it’s nothing serious or expensive at this point. I now have a big loan to pay back but I’m planning to pay it in huge chunks and just get it over with, especially knowing I’m going to need that credit line again. The loan I got was an online loan that my friend told me about. Definitely cheaper than if I would have used my credit card. If I pay it all back before June 28th, I’ll only pay an extra $100 but I’m gonna make a big payment on Tuesday.

The weekend is ticking by incredibly fast. We’re probably gonna go do breakfast and I want to try and make some money because I haven’t made enough.

That boy was around over the weekend. He was in some type of mood last night and went home. I am really tired of never knowing what’s going on. I just plan to be done because I get tired of answering questions with everyone when I don’t even know myself. He’s just this really confusing, back and forth person. I honestly believe he has issues that are too deep for me to understand or help with and we need to just leave each other alone. I love him but I can only try so hard for so long to make sense of this and try to make it work.

I only have so much time and energy every single day and once it’s gone, it’s gone. Like yesterday. I busted my ass the entire day and was absolutely exhausted. I had also slid in the shower and slammed into the side of the tub and now have a wicked bruise. I just can’t deal with a person that makes me upset all the time. I’m tired of wondering day to day and even minute by fucking minute if we’re together or he just doesn’t care. It’s like when he’s not with me, the contact is at the bare minimum and there’s a really strong disconnect. He has a lot of issues that I’m not equipped to deal with.

But I think we’re going to get breakfast and then I’m going to try and make some money. He told me Friday night that my daughter isn’t gonna want to do this every weekend and I totally understand but I don’t have anyone to watch her and I can’t afford to pay someone either. I know that she’s bored with this but I try really hard to limit our time and do the most while she’s at school. There is nothing I can do about not having a babysitter. It’s not my fault that no one is wiling. I was dealt a really unlucky hand and I’m playing it as gracefully as I can.

I wish I had an actual man to help with things. I would love to have a man to look at my car and tell me why it makes the noises that it makes. I’d love to have man to put up my mini blinds in my living room. I’d love to have man that isn’t quick to tell me he will do everything I need but then never do it. I wish I had a Dad or a Grampa. Or even a friend.

All I know is I have to let him go this time. We’re just not working and I can’t keep feeling the way I do. I truly wish him all the best and I want him to find someone who can give him what he needs. I think enough has happened that we don’t need to keep wasting time learning the same lesson over and over again. I still think about him up and blocking me on the 26th. Obviously he was good with never seeing or hearing from me again. I remember how upset I was thinking something happened to him. Since my phone calls and texts were going unanswered, I thought his phone was off due to him having an accident or something. I still don’t think he cared when I told him how upset I was.

I wasn’t even worried about him ghosting me. I was scared to death that he committed suicide or was in a bad car wreck or something. I remember crying my eyes out numerous times thinking I was going to Google his name and find his obituary. I don’t want to deal with something like this ever again. I get that people are shitty but putting you through that amount of heartache is unacceptable. I’m honestly sorry I ever met him. I’m sorry that I didn’t walk away after the first few red flags but at this point, I know I can’t do this anymore.

When he blocked me from calling and texting and then blocked me on Facebook, I felt like trash. Literal garbage. Like I wasn’t worth him even telling me to fuck off. Yet this guy is always talking about me proving I want to be with him. Well, why can’t we just enjoy being together? We shouldn’t have to constantly prove how much we want to be with someone?! Like you want me to basically be in competition with myself everyday? Go above and beyond every moment to make sure you know I want you?

I remember telling him last night how exhausted I was and he still wanted to smash. It’s like bro, what part of I’m exhausted are you not understanding?! I’ve been busy working and taking care of my daughter all day on top of cleaning my house and doing dishes but you want me to be sleeping with you and sucking you off?! He’s another one that has absolutely no idea how to treat a woman and that’s probably why he’s been divorced 3 times. Even when we’ve had sex, he doesn’t do anything with after care. Doesn’t bother to wipe me off, kiss me, nothing at all. I felt used.

Honestly, I feel like I’ve wasted a lot of emotion and tears on someone that could care less. This is just another reminder why I’d rather just stay single. I don’t want a guy to make me feel like I’m just a robot and my main concern should be pleasing them.