They don't care, keep going! in Since OD is shutting down....

I am definitely getting tired. I’ve been up since 3am, I didn’t sleep well at all worrying about my car and what it’s going to cost me to fix it. I dropped daughter off at school, got my coffee and went over to have that mechanic look at my car. It’s the front end, control arms. It’s bad on the driver side and not super bad on the passenger but they said it’s best to replace both or else it’s still going to ride funny. They gave me an estimate for $1,256. I left there feeling pretty defeated but I’ve networked with some mobile mechanics, test drove the car I want and I was told I’d get approved and I have since applied online for a loan and got it.

Basically I talked to everyone who would listen and then I finally called my friend and asked him where he got credit for his car repair the other day. Well, he told me and I got approved so I’ve made an appointment for it Thursday morning. I’m going to have it towed down there so I don’t have to worry about spending money to get a ride home. I’ll probably have to pay for a ride back to pick it up but that’s alright.

I’m definitely not thrilled to have another bill but I’m ready to have my car fixed. The sooner it’s fixed, the sooner I don’t have to worry about it anymore. The payment will be $25/week but I’m going to pay like $100 just because I HATE owing money. I am annoyed because I want to start paying extra on my other bills and saving for another car so this is a set back but it’s alright. I have steady money coming in and we’ll be just fine.

Just 2 weeks ago, I was losing my mind over getting brakes put on. I remember how much useless energy I wasted being upset that I had no help and blah blah blah. I’m glad that I kept my cool this time. Definitely had my moment where I wanted to start screaming but then thought how it’s not going to help and I need to just worry about taking care of it and moving on. There’s no sense in getting over emotional. I know my whole world revolves around having a running car so it’s important but it’s not the end of the world.

I’m glad that I’m able to do my side hustle. I wish I would have started doing it sooner but now it’s easier because my daughter is older and has a good attention span and she’s entertained by a phone or tablet. I don’t make a shit ton of money but I do make enough to know we’re going to be alright. I didn’t make a lot today but weekends are usually pretty fruitful.

So plan is to pay bills in advance, pay off this new loan that I’ll have and start saving for another vehicle. My salesman even told me today that buying a car is going to be a lot less expensive in the next 6 months and by then I’ll have enough to buy something outright or have a fat ass down payment. I told him that we know I hate car notes so I made sure he knows what cars I’m looking for and want to buy outright.

I literally was missing that boy and called him last night. We talked all of 40 seconds. He didn’t seem like he wanted to talk and said he was going to bed. I haven’t heard from him at all today. I plan to leave that door open but I will not be expelling any more energy in trying to reach him first. I know that he’s got a lot of issues that have nothing to do with me and I need to just back off and see what he does. In the meantime, I have money to make, bills to pay and a daughter to take care of. I would love to find a constant for us but it’s just not happening and I’m going to take my frustration out on my hustle. Turn my pain into power. I’m through with the days of sitting around caring if I hear from this person or that person. Nah, life is too fucking short. I have plenty of other things to worry about that actually need to be worried about.

I know that he’s been deployed 3 times and has had 3 traumatic brain injuries. I know that he’s probably not intentionally trying to make me upset but I know that I’m not getting what I need and I’m going to keep trying to find a friend. It’s not even about trying to find a boyfriend or whatever, just someone to talk to and hang out with sometimes. It sucks because I really did want it to be him but I can’t be the only one trying either.

It was hell getting my daughter to sleep tonight. She was up hours past bedtime and even said she’s worried about being crabby tomorrow. OMG. I’m going to have to spend more money getting internet on her phone because hers is gone. It’s so frustrating the money I have to spend to keep her entertained because God forbid I have any help with her.

Anyways, I was thinking about some stuff. So this is the same guy I started talking to a few months ago and just blocked him then for not making effort and seeming to be really disconnected. I blocked him this time for the same reasons. Then I thought about it and decided I was being too impatient and maybe give it another shot. Well, he blocked me on Facebook and blocked my phone number so that’s why every time I’d call it went straight to voicemail. I finally text him from my daughter’s phone where he answered and claimed to have lost all his contacts. Then, I discover he blocked me on Facebook where I’m still blocked as of now. He was good with never speaking to me again.

Whether he has issues that cause him to be distant, not make effort, and just disappear, I deserve better. I know what it’s like to sit around begging and pleading for someone to just love me and want to hang out with me to the point of it destroying me. I did it about 11 years ago with someone. I’m not going down that road again. I understand he has a lot of mental issues he’s dealing with and the best thing I can do for the both of us is let him work on himself by himself. I was laying in bed earlier thinking that because I’m blocked on Facebook, where we originally started dating is probably because he’s been talking to other women. There has to be a reason why I’m blocked, especially since we’ve spoken over the last few days. He doesn’t strike me as that type but I don’t put anything past anyone anymore.

I just want to know why I keep finding emotionally unavailable men. My friend said it’s because that’s what I want. I’ve read articles about how if your Dad was like that, it’s what you obtain. My Dad was physically present but very much emotionally absent.

My heart just hurts. I wish I had a crystal ball and could see if I’ll ever find someone. I’m seriously so sick of being by myself. I would be happy to just have someone to text consistently. I really don’t think I ask for much but I don’t get anything. I have no relationship with my parents or siblings. My daughter doesn’t have anyone but me and sometimes her big sister. We’re lonely. I truly want to know why it’s like this and no matter what, it stays the same.

I see Tik Toks everyday about how that man didn’t make that baby but he’s the one helping raise them. I wish I could find one. I’m just so stressed out about everything and it would be really relaxing to have someone cuddle me and make me feel like things are going to be okay. I go months without getting even a hug from another adult. My life was like this even before I had my daughter and now it’s even harder because she and I only have each other.

I truly thought him and I were going to be something. I really had good feelings for him and I was so stoked to have a new person in my life. You just don’t know what other people are going through and what’s in their heads. I blocked him because I didn’t want to get in my feelings with this and that’s exactly what happened. I guess I’m going to just keep trying. I’d like to find someone I could at least text and talk to. I’m just so frustrated that he wasn’t more honest. He could have just said hey I noticed you blocked me so I blocked you. Not say how his phone restarted and he lost all his contacts when he knew damn well I was blocked. Fucking liar. That’s one thing I can’t stand is a fucking liar.