I wish I ever had support. in Since OD is shutting down....

It’s been a decent morning. I got my daughter to school, had breakfast and then a shower. I drove some today and I have a weird clunking noise by the front tire when I go in reverse or hit certain bumps. I should probably get this looked at as my car is clunky going over bumps too. I don’t know where to turn because I hate paying for a diagnostic and I don’t trust men at all. Part of me would like to just keep driving and hope it’s nothing but part of me knows that I need to have it checked so I can either fix it or keep worrying about it.

This deal where I don’t have a Dad, brother, friend, or boyfriend to help really starts to make me angry. I just feel so vulnerable all the time because if my car breaks down, it’s game over. There’s no changing it. I have to do what I can to keep it going. I need it to last me for awhile longer until I have money to either pay for repairs or get into another one. It’s bullshit that my Dad doesn’t know shit about cars, doesn’t have any patience and even if he were to look at it, he wouldn’t have the slightest fucking clue what’s wrong. I could ask my brother and he will be of no help like he is every single time. I even reached out to a family friend the other day about my brakes who said he’d put them on and then wouldn’t respond to my texts.

We had a good day. I made some money and my daughter got a free kid’s meal to a restaurant so we went out to dinner. Got some shit at the store. I’m very upset about my car issues. So upset that I posted in a group and I’m going to have it looked at after I drop my daughter off at school. I personally believe it’s a motor mount because it’s hard to take out of gear, especially on a hill. It doesn’t vibrate or anything but I just want to know what’s wrong. It’s absolutely crazy how I’ve made probably 30 different contacts today trying to find someone to just look at it and found literally one mechanic.

I’ve been laying in my bed crying for a while tonight. So I decided to call him where he said he was getting ready to go to bed. Uh, okay why hasn’t it been a thought EVER to call me?! I was on a high earlier today simply because he text first. Why in the absolute fuck am I getting excited over a text? Have I really set the bar this low for a man that I’m going to accept crumbs? Nah, I have done enough of that with BD.

I struggle with having no one. I don’t believe there’s anyone that cares about us. I think my daughter’s big sister cares somewhat. My family doesn’t care at all, her Dad or his family doesn’t care. I don’t have any friends here.

Seriously, I really don’t think I’m a terrible person. I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs. All I want is a running car so I can make a living and get my kid back and forth to school. I really don’t ask for much out of life at all. It would be nice to know even 1 person cared though. Probably asking too damn much there but my God. Going through everyday not having a single conversation with another adult is something I can’t explain.

Mistakes have been made. I have no one to blame but myself. Pining over some dude that’s literally made the bare ass minimum in effort is disheartening. I need to keep myself busy with my own life and let him go. He seriously doesn’t care. I again want to reiterate that I understand he’s got mental health issues, he’s had 3 traumatic brain injuries but there still has to be something inside of him down deep that knows I need more than this. For me to sit around and get excited that I wasn’t the one actually send the first text today is fucking ridiculous. I just want to know why I keep managing to find men that are emotionally unavailable. I think it stems from my childhood or I want to believe that I’ve found some hidden jewel or something.

I plan to just leave him be. I knew that it was probably best to leave him alone 2 weeks ago but I was trying to show patience and now I’m just more fucking pissed. I feel this really unhinged, unbridled anger that I don’t want to feel ever again. I am gonna go through my entire life by myself and there’s not anything I can do. My daughter will end up leaving too.