Therapy in The New Book

I had a good session with my therapist today. I like her a lot. She seems to hear me & really pay attention. She also actually helps me problem solve. We’ve worked on a bedtime routine that … when I follow the rules …does help me sleep. Now, she doesn’t exactly tell me anything that I don’t know but talking out certain obvious suggestions helps me find what works best for me & accept them. There is less second guessing involved.

My therapist talked about the two sides in my head bickering like children. That was a good way to put things. The other night they were both throwing absolute tantrums. One wanted to relax, drink & have a good time. The other one was refusing to let that happen because there was too much to do. These sides were actually warring in my head over the simplest of tasks. Both sides had valid arguments but I had such a hard time choosing which to do. I was shouting at myself in an empty kitchen to get a simple decision made. It escalated to near hysteria. That shook me up, quite literally since it turned into a small panic attack.

My therapist reminded me that the face of “Mouse”, the one who walks around in public & the one who is now bonding with her son again, the one who works hard at her job, & is nurturing family bonds & love again is always present. That piece of me knows how to parent even when it’s hard. I need to parent myself sometimes. I should’ve taken control & put both of those bickering children on a time out until rational decisions could be made. It makes sense to me. I could’ve just sat down & taken a breath. None of it was urgent or pressing. It didn’t need to escalate into such a crisis. Then, when it did become a crisis the wheels came completely off. That could’ve been avoided altogether by simply taking a few extra moments with myself to properly prioritize. The awesome part is that the prioritizing is all up to me right now.

My therapist theorizes that even though I have the natural instinct to parent since I am one. I just never learned how to do it for myself. Plus, my own parents were always more like siblings so I don’t even have an exact road map for what proper “Mouse” parenting looks like. I have to learn & practice this skill. I haven’t ever had the space to call my own shots & make real life decisions for myself as an adult. This is the first time in my life that I’m allowed to decide fully what my life is going to look like & it’s okay if I’m not sure exactly what that is just yet. My therapist reminded me that my grown up self is very new despite my age. It’s a very lucky thing to be growing & learning new skills for bettering oneself. There is no time limit on that. Most importantly of all is that it’s okay. I can be a work in progress.