It's going alright. in Since OD is shutting down....

My daughter and I went yesterday from about 3 until almost 7. She did great in the car, as usual. It’s not too stressful bring her with and it’s definitely cheaper than paying my Mom to watch her. I like not having to buy her cigarettes, pay for her gas (she lives 3 miles away) deal with her eating up all of our food and I don’t have to buy them groceries. It’s absolutely crazy how much easier it is to not rely on anyone for a fucking thing. My parents have used me my entire life and I’ve given them so much money that it’s honestly embarrassing. When I’ve had to pay her to babysit, it makes me feel like I’m paying her twice.

She text me last Sunday saying how she’s quit her job and could babysit. I haven’t heard from her since. I told her how she isn’t a Mother or a Grandmother and how it’s never going to change. I want to understand how this game is so much fun. Sit there and say how you are going to help me and then not actually fucking do it. What is this doing for you? It would be really awesome to have help here, even a couple of hours once in a blue fucking moon but apparently that’s asking too much. I completely understand that no one is under any obligation to help with my child but I was also under no obligation to give out thousands of dollars over the years to ‘help them’ to babysit for my brother EVERY FUCKING WEEKEND and be his DD when I went out with them either.

I just get tired of feeling that everything is always to someone else’s benefit. Whether I get ‘help’ or not, it’s never really help. Anytime my Mom has ever watched my kid, she sits and eats every single minute she’s in my home. She throws food away simply because she doesn’t want us to have it or something. I just think it’s crazy how I’ve spent my whole life being this co-dependent fucking doormat and they still think I need to be that. I don’t know how many times I’ve asked my brother to help and he absolutely refuses. He always says she can come over and hang out but it just falls to the way side. You can bug and bug and bug but it ain’t ever going to change and that’s why I have realized that my daughter is growing up seeing that she isn’t any type of importance to these people and she won’t make effort with them either.

It’s like numerous times I’ve talked to my brother about how his kid is mean to mine and that’s why we didn’t come to her birthday party. It doesn’t matter how many times his kid has treated her like shit, he now has this vendetta against me because I’m not going to allow it anymore. I still left a gift card in their mailbox for her which I didn’t have to do.

My kid has this issue where she will barely eat at home. Unless I make pizza, burgers, fajitas or hot dogs, she won’t eat. We went back to the Dr today because she’s still fighting that ear infection so they put her on a different antibiotic. We get home and I make her some chicken noodle soup and she refused to eat it. I lost my absolute shit. She’s just so spoiled and I can’t take it anymore. This thing where we always have to eat just what she wants is really starting to piss me off. I become livid and let her know that she’s going to eat it or she’s going to spend the day in her room. We aren’t going to skip the meal and eat junk like we usually do. I’m not allowing it anymore. I also told her that from now on, she’s to put her dirty clothes in the hamper and if she makes a mess in her room that SHE is going to clean it up.

The whole thing with that boy. I definitely appreciate the comments I’ve gotten. It helps me see things for what it actually was. It really upset me that he seemed super salty about hanging out with me instead of making money. He should have just said that! I am a single Mom and I understand 100000% about the need to make money! I would have been more than understanding. He was also the one begging to hang out. I am just so tired of being an option to people. I do believe that it worked out the way it was supposed to and I’ll find someone eventually.

I have been alone for years. I’ve never really had a partner. I went through an entire pregnancy by myself. I’m angry that someone acted like they were interested in me but it faded so fast. I’m angry that I am left to feel like I do and make sense of all this. I’m very angry that someone awakened feelings in me that I wasn’t sure existed just to leave me sad and confused. It will be a very long time from now before I ever try again.

Went and made some more money. It was a super awesome night. We stopped at the store on our way home because my daughter wanted some new socks and underwear. I got some chapstick because my lips were on fire the whole night. I also got us a nice rotisserie chicken and she actually ate without me having to get mad!!!

It’s just insane how much easier it is to be my own village and not expect shit from anyone. I think about how I used to have expectations of everyone and how over the years, I got hurt enough to realize that it’s pointless. My daughter and I were talking Friday night about how people aren’t around and she said, “it’s their loss” and she’s absolutely right. Like, she understands and I hope that all these people that fail to be in her life know they are the ones missing out and they CHOOSE that shit every single day.

I’ve gotten a lot of help from not getting the help I needed. I’m truly better off on my own. It’s less stressful and expensive. Everyone has made me the person that I am. I really do hope that everyone realizes that they aren’t hurting me. They are hurting an innocent child that didn’t ask to be here. She didn’t ask to be brought into a shit show. The fact that nothing has gotten better after all these years is simply maddening. I also think about how it’s probably supposed to be like this and I don’t fight it anymore.

I apologized for my daughter for not giving her better relatives. I’ve apologized to her countless times for giving her the ‘Dad’ that she has. I’ve told her how it’s not her fault that things are the way they are but it’s okay because she has a Mom who loves her more than anything in the world and how we have everything we need. I told her that I’m able to provide for her by myself and that I’m proud of that. Just because you grow up with both parents, doesn’t mean you will have it better. I know I sure as fuck didn’t. I also try to keep in mind that it’s probably hard for her to grow up with only 1 parent too.

I can do more and better for my child as a single Mom. I like that I don’t have another person to consult when spending money. I like knowing I can raise my kid how I want. I like that we can drive to the store and buy whatever it is we need or want. I remember having absolutely nothing growing up because my Dad wouldn’t work and made sure that every single penny my Mom made was gone. There was NEVER any money for anyone except him. I saw a Tik Tok the other day about a teacher who buys her students hygiene products because it’s really hard to learn when you smell gross. I grew up being teased because I smelled like cigarette smoke and cat piss.

Sometimes I look back on my childhood and I just get so angry. I was raised on absolutely nothing. My happiness was never a concern. I’m glad that my daughter does have me as her Mom because everything I do is for her. I live my whole life to make sure she’s happy, safe, loved, and has what she needs.

More later.