It's about what you want in The OpenDiary (OD) Days!
Revised: 10/12/2014 4:04 p.m.
- Oct. 13, 2005, 9 a.m.
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It’s about what you want - 10/14/2005
<font color="#ccffff">Okay, my life really needs to get back to normal. Wednesday night Luke and I were messaging each other, and ended up him coming over here cos he needed to see me. We watched my new Full Frontal dvd and cracked up heaps at that, but there was a more serious problem at hand - his feelings for me. When he arrived I was bawling my eyes out, worried about what happened between him and I would affect the relationship (friends whatever) between me and Aaron. I told him I was shit scared but I felt like I had to tell him what happened. Anyway Luke was great at comoforting me, but I could tell he was really hurting inside - his face was trying to hold back tears and he was hiding behind a brave face. He asked me what the sex meant to me, ‘was it just sex?’ I said to him ‘it’s never been ‘just sex’ with you, I did it because i care for you.’ That really hurt him, but I’m such a moralistic person, I can’t say I did it cos I love him, even if maybe I do I don’t know, but it’s not right right now - it’s not fair on Aaron. Anyway I was bawling my eyes out cos I felt I had to tell Aaron, cos he was staying over at my house the following night. Luke cuddled me as I told him the situation I was in, how I hate hurting people and I don’t know what I want. He said to me, "It’s not about me, or Aaron, it’s about what you want". Luke slept in the spare room.</font>
<font color="#ccffff">Anyway since then, Aaron has stayed over. Of course I chickened out. It’s gunna drum on my conscience until I do something about it. Aaron was cuddling me and kissing me heaps and I was back. NO we didn’t sleep together. I need to get myaself back on track. I’m surprised he didn’t pick up something was wrong, cos I was kinda nervous about talking to him about us just being friends. I think what I’ve decided is I just need to be single right now. I really need to to sort myself out. That means no relationship with Aaron and no relationship with Luke. Not right now. I’ve already apparently broken Luke’s heart cos he hasn’t got the answer he was looking for. And I’m gunna hurt Aaron’s as soon as I get the guts to actually say something, that I just wanna stay friends with him, and that’s gunna mean we’ll have to cut out the little kisses we sometimes give each other. It’s annoying, but I know inside that I have to do what I have to do. </font>
<font color="#ccffff">I was messaging my friends Sam and Lindsay about it. Lindsay is the guy who indroduced me and Luke. Lindsay was asking me what I was gunna do and i said I didn’t know. He messaged back with, "It’s not about Luke or Aaron, but what you want." I said, that’s exactly what Luke said!</font>
<font color="#ccffff">Either way in in a lose-lose situation as my optimistic-self tells me :P I will always love Luke, but after we broke up I had to re-evaluate what the meaning of, and what, love is. Aaron and I are cuddling friends, and maybe i should call it quits before it becomes more. I just need some time out, or I’ll explode. Aaron is so innocent, he has no idea any of this is happening to me. I came so close so many times last night to telling him but I just couldn’t bare myself to. I’m a wimpass. </font>
<font color="#ccffff">Tash at work knows everything. She reckons if a guy had a problem with her sleeping with someone else when they were only friends, she’d tell the guy to fuck off. lol, good old tash. No way I’m like that though. And it’s not even really about the sleeping around thing anymore, it’s more about how Luke wants me back and I don’t wanna hurt anyone, so I have to just stay friends for now. See, that seems so simple to put into writing here, but whan it came to vocalising it, i couldn’t do it. Not yet. I still intend to obviously, or I’ll, yeh spontaneously combust or something :)</font>
<font color="#ccffff">Has anyone reading this been in this situation?</font>
Notes: --------------------------------------------------------------------
I haven’t, but I think taking things slow would be most wise. And whatever you do, be honest with yourself first.
I think it’s great that you realize you have to tell him, but remember, it doesnt have to be right away. Wait ‘till your ready.
But I’m sure you already knew that.
Take care, [October Boy] 10/13/2005 8:28:34 PM
ryn: oh, i was at school while typing it!!!! [LegallyGay80] 10/13/2005 8:31:19 PM
RYN: I’ll have the private jet come get you. ;) [Sex Hound] 10/13/2005 8:44:16 PM
i almost like tash. except her name reminds me of this awful girl who hurt me a lot. named TASHa. awful girl. i’m not allowed to say her name. let’s call her the t-word, shall we?
cheers,
[Prince Zidane] 10/13/2005 9:04:19 PM
I’ve been in a mildly similar situation, but not really that similar. I just broke up with a long-term relationship and right now I’m really really interested in someone else, but because of distance, I can’t really be in a relationship. I also don’t want to tell my ex about him because I don’t want to hurt his feelings. Relationships are complicated. I’ll be single for a little while too. [SilverScorp83] [p] 10/13/2005 9:29:45 PM
Not necessarily…like i told you, things usually ended really roughly with my ex’s. But the ex before Jason wanted to get back together with me…right after I met Jason! I still had feelings for Tony, but it would never work. Even if I had reached deep down, there was just too much that I couldn’t go back to. Plus, I was quickly falling for this guy who (somehow I knew) was going to be the… [yellow_bull] 10/13/2005 9:53:18 PM
(cont.)…best thing that ever happened to me. I donno. It happened, I followed my gut, I did cry a couple times when I had to tell Tony that there wasn’t anything. But life moves on, just like like after every tear. Your face never stays wet for too long. I’m not telling you to ditch Luke and go with Aaron. I’m not telling you to get back with Luke. But, right up front, if your heart can’t go… [yellow_bull] 10/13/2005 9:54:41 PM
(cont.2)…back to Luke, then that conversation should be up front and honest. That will save a friendship, if there ever was going to be one. If he’s the kinda guy you’ve described, he’ll respect you for it, not love it at first, but live with it.
I feel so akward giving my two cents when I don’t even know you and we’re so far apart! And being limited to 400 characters each entry. [yellow_bull] 10/13/2005 9:56:39 PM
No, I haven’t been in this situation but I can honestly say that you will be able to work this out and become an even better person because of it. Take care
Much respect,
C-Dub [C-Dub85] 10/13/2005 9:57:56 PM
(cont.3)…all I know is that your heart won’t guide you wrong. Pain is part of dating, but without pain, there would be no value to a relationship.
Anyway, thats me. My Dr. Phil moment. Thanks for your note! I’ll post the pics probably tonight when I get home.
have a great night! [yellow_bull] 10/13/2005 9:57:57 PM
As someone that’s been the other person in this situation, I really admire you for making this decision. I’m also glad that you realize that it’s not going to be easy. All I can say is that I hope that you can stick to it…it was too hard for me, but that’s a whole other story. Good luck! [broken.wings.] [p] 10/13/2005 10:08:28 PM
<font color="tan"> Be with whoever mnakes you happy. Regardless someone is gonna get hurt and its never easy. Hugs [SEPIA EMISSION] 10/13/2005 10:16:25 PM
No, haven’t been in this situation, yet. I know it will come though. And I know that thigs will work out fine once given time. [Amadeus] 10/14/2005 2:16:44 AM
YEah - sort of. I think that if it didn’t work out with Luke the first time, then I’d be pretty wary. I broke up with Sed like three times and each time she’d come to me crying and saying all the right things and I’d go back to her. And it didn’t work out in the end did it? Yeah - if you aren’t going out with someone I’d avoid sexual contact otherwise it’d REALLY hurt someone! [The_Blind_Archer] [p] 10/14/2005 3:38:24 AM
hugs
Relax. [Nesstwy.] [p] 10/14/2005 5:54:01 AM
I think Luke never knew what he had when you and him were together. Sometimes we don’t know what we have until we lose it. Damn Matt I wish I knew what to tell you but I don’t. But I do know it will be alright and it’s gonna work out for you. Just move slow!
Ben [Taste The Rain Bow] 10/14/2005 6:21:03 AM
I’ve never been in your situation, but in any relationship, no matter how close, communication is the only way to go. Things tend to get a little strange when people are not on the same page. [unsigned] 10/14/2005 11:02:16 AM
Cant say as though I have been in your situation, maybe something close, but still not in your situation. So I dont think I could start to give you advice. This sounds like one of those things that only the person going threw it can figure it out in the long run. Best of luck. Big hugs… [LilGayBoiBluEyes] 10/14/2005 4:05:20 PM
I’ve been in that situation before, but lets not go there, I f*cked things up big time lol, so basically, don’t play both along, I let them know bout each other but still kept things goin wit both while trying to work out what I wanted and I ended up losing both, more so, losing the one I really really cared about....Love ya honey xoxo [SinderellaX] 10/15/2005 3:42:22 AM
I hate to say it, but it sounds like you still have feelings slightly more than friendship for luke if you’re still fairly concerned about what he thinks about you being with someone else.maybe i’m wrong, i have no idea. but wait until you’re ready to completely move on - dont do anything just because you WANT to move on. wait til you’re ready. maybe talking to aaron could help? best of luck!:) [dysfunctional_faerie] [p] 10/15/2005 4:08:13 AM
I don’t have any advice just yet :). My mind is at a lowpoint lately, but when I can think better, I will post another note or more.
Love,
Jack
[mikeysjack] 10/16/2005 4:14:09 AM
lurked [Ezra_Medic] 10/16/2005 5:40:55 AM
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Last updated October 12, 2014
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