Two ex's and him in The OpenDiary (OD) Days!

two ex’s and him - 10/11/2005

<font color="#cc99ff">I knew this entry would have to come out eventually.  I wasn’t going to write about it, but I know I have to, because if I don’t, I won’t be able to read back on it later in life and go, ‘oh my fucking God, did I really do that?’.  Let’s get started then.  I’m expecting a few of my readers to maybe be shocked by what I’m about to say, especailly those who know me in reality, but I really don’t care if I get bagged out for it.  It’s my life, no-one else’s.</font>

<font color="#cc99ff">I can’t really remember much of what happened in the past week, or when I’ve written up til, but I do remember the past work week went really fast!  Like really fast, and that Saturday at work was absolute hell, so busy, and I kept getting called up to checkouts and ignoring the service manager cos I had my own work to try and get done.  Saturday’s basically she has no hope.  Okay, back on track.  I’d been promising one of my ex’s, Mark, that I’d get him to come over so that he could check out my new place.  Anyway, Saturday after work, I rang him, and he ended up convincing me to drive to the other side of town to pick him up and take him out here.  He packed a bag full of clothes, because he figured I lived too far away to not stay the night.  I mean geesh how lazy is that, I’m only on the opposite side of the city, like an hour by train at the most!  But anyway, we were watching a DVD and laying on my bed talking, and he was rubbing my leg, then my upper thigh.  I dunno what I was thinking, but him being an ex and knowing what he’s like and how much he apparently ‘cares’ for me, I let him do what he wanted, which progressively ended up him giving me head - a few times.  I didn’t touch him at all.  I kinda knew he wanted me, and i guess I took advantage of that.  A whole heap of things were rattling through my head, like I was single, I didn’t have a boyfriend, and He told me he only wants to be friends - so was I really doing anything wrong?  A part of my conscience was saying yes, but most of me was saying no.  He made the moves, he wanted to do it, I knew he did, I let him.  Could make things interesting, who knows.  It was a BJ and that was it.  He caught his train back to the city and has probably skited to everyone about his ‘feat’ knowing him.  Personally I don’t really care, i didn’t at the time and it was just sex.  He is an ex but I don’t have any feelings for him, and he doesn’t for me, so I figured why not.</font>

<font color="#cc99ff">That’s not all.  The following afternoon, Luke came over to drop off a fruit bowl and come CD’s I’d apparently given him and hadn’t gotten back.  It was so good to see him again.  We gave each other a huge hug and spent the whole afternoon talking, catching up about how our new homes were and the people we now lived with.  Neville met Luke and agreed with me that he is indeed a complete hottie lol.  I mean who wouldn’t say that.  We were watching fast forward and getting along with each other amazingly like we always do, and we were cuddling, which we always still did, just cos it seemed to feel right.  We fell asleep in my bed cuddling and stuff.  In the morning, something happened.  This time however, I couldn’t resist.  My modjo musta been through the roof or something, and I don’t know how it really happened, but I know this time I made the moves - well I’m pretty sure I did.  We ended up having sex.  Not anal, just the sex we used to always have.  I asked him when the last time he did this was, and he said, "When I was with you."  I shouldn’t have asked that cos I should’ve known the question was going to be thrown back at me. "What about you?" he asked.  I told the truth, but I lied in my answer.  I told him, "I jerked _____ off once", and he nodded.  I kinda left out the little incident that happened the night before.  I lay it down to mark seducing me, cos that’s what started it, but I know how shallow and pathetic that sounds so I’m just gunna say the opportunity was there.  See, I never used to speak or even think like this, but it’s amazing how the world changes you, and you’ve just gotta live life and have no regrets.  I think that’s what’s helping me through this.  I can’t believe I spelt with two of my ex’s two nights in a row, but I don’t regret it.  I admitted to Luke that I still fantasise about him sometimes, and he admitted that he does to.  When I told him that a huge smile lit up his face.  It was so good to see, cos he admitted to me he had a sexual dream about me once, so I guessed that maybe he still fantasised about me sometimes too.  He’s a great guy and I’d never hurt him.  We did what we did out of a mutual trust thing, and we known we aren’t going out anymore.  I got a message from him the next morning saying he hoped I was okay with what happened.  I said I felt a little strange that it happened, but that it was fun, and he admitted that it was too, that he still cares for me so much and that he would never ever want to hurt me again.  I totally understand him.  </font>

<font color="#cc99ff">Now I know both of those things happened.  I don’t regret they happened.  They might come back to bite me in the ass later on, but I really don’t give a shit.  I did it with Mark cos I knew I he wanted to, I did it with Luke cos I really care about him.  Two totally different reasons.  Mark I didn’t touch once sexually, Luke I did.  My mouth didn’t go near either of them.  Luke and i kissed but that was just weird, I think it was us both caught up in the lust.</font>

<font color="#cc99ff">Now some of you may be wondering where He fits in with this.  Some of you may have stopped reading cos you’re so disgusted with me.  I jsut know I have to write about this cos I can’t believe this has happened all in the space of a weekend.  Last night I hung out with Him.  No I didn’t sleep with him too.  We are friends who are hanging out, and I guess maybe seeing what happens.  Now if him and I were boyfriends, things would be a totally different matter.  get what I’m saying?  If him and I were boyfriends, nothing would have happened with Mark, and nothing would have happened with Luke either.  My morals won’t allow cheating.  In a way I kinda felt I was, but the only thing that made me go through with what I did was that he told me on numerous occasions that he only wants to be friends.  That leaves me free, right?  I meanI’ve been in situations before where I’m not actually going out with someone, but they expect me to be for them at beckoned call.  There was no way in living fuck I’m going through that shit again.  I hung out with him Monday night for a fair while in the afternoon, and he took me to the Hog’s Breath Cafe cos I hadn’t eaten there before.  It was actually really nice!  I had Jamican chicken.  I told him that both Mark and Luke had stayed over the past two nights, and he goes (jokingly I presume), "Well I know what you’ve been getting up to then!".  I laughed.  It was an ironic response.  Was I suppose to tell him?  Should I tell him?  I don’t wanna wreck his friendship or anything, cos that’s all it is at this stage.  But like I said, if we were anything more than friends, then that would NOT have happened.  But I just hung out with him as normal and tried to put it to the side of my mind cos I wanted to concentrate on fun with him.  He’s a great guy, and we enjoy spending time with each other.  Maybe this will come out to him in one way or another and he’ll consider me an asshole cos he had an idea we’re more than friends, but until I actually know that, I don’t believe I really did anything wrong.  Why do I feel like I have then?  I think it’s maybe the keeping what happened from him thing.  It’s probably better I keep my mouth shut.</font>

Notes: --------------------------------------------------------------------

Don’t worry about what other people think of you. It’s your life and your choices and if you don’t have any guilt about what happened, good for you! That takes courage to not hold guilt. I need to get caught up and read the next entry too. [Rachel Erin] 10/11/2005 12:12:20 PM

Well,Your young and it’s time for you to have some fun. I wouldn’t feel bad over all that like you said you are single....
Chris got me into that song,and put it ona cd for me. It is way sad…
Oh I know sexie hehe it’s me!!!
Huggs and luv ya too!!!
Mermz~~~~
[Mermy] 10/11/2005 12:42:21 PM

Don’t stress too much over this sweetie…what I am seeing is that you had a good time with two of your old “friends”. You are not in a relationship at this point in time and therefor have no committments to any one person. Basically at this point you are playing the field until “he” decides if he wants to take things further with you… [GardenBoi] 10/11/2005 1:43:15 PM

…Now had you said that you, “he”, Luke, and Mark were all in on this together, then I would tell you that you are a very naughty bad boy…lol…just relax and take a few breaths dear, you have done nothing wrong. I’ll have to tell you about some of the things that have happened with Jake and I, it will help you to relax a little.

Huggs!!!

[GardenBoi] 10/11/2005 1:45:15 PM

Ha ha…great entry…Wow, what a weekend! You are damn right, this is your place to write exactly what you feel and what happens. I love going back and reading from random times in my life; its so surreal! =) I understand your morals and I don’t think you were wrong in hooking up with Mark and Luke. He can’t say a thing…but more than that, you haven’t committed yourself to him, and he… [yellow_bull] 10/11/2005 2:49:54 PM

(Cont.)…hasn’t asked you to. So, its all fair. To be honest, I don’t talk to any of my ex’s. For one reason or another, things never end well…I used to have a bad habit of not letting anyone get too close. My boifriends before Jason were just that: they got really attatched and after a month, I realized I couldn’t do it, I wasn’t into them. Thus, they developed this hatred towards me. [yellow_bull] 10/11/2005 2:51:52 PM

(Cont.2) So, whatcha gonna do? =) Many times,I told myself I would give anything to still be friends with some of them. They were all really cool guys. But I was never friends before I dated them…hmmm…maybe that was a common denonenator. Also, I wasn’t “out” yet, and that was really stressful. Anyway, enjoy the good days. And I can’t wait to find out who He is! =) [yellow_bull] 10/11/2005 2:53:31 PM

Wow, you truly are a special person. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t respect you more! Take care [C-Dub85] 10/11/2005 3:06:36 PM

You did nothing wrong. You are free and single and you can do what you want.
It’s your life, not anybody elses so don’t worry about what people think of you. The people who know and love you wont think any less of you. I don’t know u that well, but my opinion of you hasnt changed in the slighest. I still think you’re an amazing guy.
x [Indigo Sky] 10/11/2005 4:28:47 PM

‘No I didn’t sleep with him too’ That cracked me up. Sorry I shouldn’t have laughed. Well you didn’t cheat technically so I won’t tell you off, but it really comes down to who you are. Most people wouldnt rate it as a big deal and pass it off as fun, but if you liked someone and were hoping they were leading up to a relship with you, you’d be hurt if they were sleeping round. [The_Blind_Archer] 10/11/2005 7:08:30 PM

How do you have sex without having anal or putting your mouth on him? lol I’m soooo confused [.Konstantine.] 10/11/2005 11:18:34 PM

SCOOOOOOOOOOORE! You stud you :oP Don’t sweat it hun. You’re young & single. ENJOY IT! As long as your were safe, thats all that matters :o) [Ezra_Medic] 10/12/2005 4:52:13 PM

Last updated October 12, 2014