2/26/24 - What can I do? in The Beginning

What a disappointment for this to be the first entry I’ve had in almost two months. And for what? To mention the same sort of things I’ve written about time and time again? That when I look back on, is absolutely nothing. Nothing interesting, nothing of substance, just complaining about ultimately nothing. Even now, this paragraph is grasping at straws.

I suppose ultimately (and I’ve known this for quite a while now) I’m unsatisfied with my life. At my core I wish to experience something but everything I experience (while on the surface I enjoy) deeply they leave me empty. And it’s only upon reflecting that I notice this all. I must sound like a psychopath to anyone who reads this, or a depressing maniac. But instead, I think I’m just a spoiled brat who can’t enjoy their position in life. I should enjoy the life I’m having and give thanks to each new day, but I just can’t. I feel like I’ve wasted everyday of the last 20 years. I think to myself if only I could go back 5 or even 3 years how much I could change. But I really don’t think I could be able to change my life drastically in any way. I know I’m only 20 and that in the grand scheme of things, I am still very young but I guess I fear being 40 years old and facing the same predicament that faces me know.

The person that I envision myself being is drastically different than who I really am. I’m incredibly self-conscious, always wondering what people think of me. How they perceive my looks, my clothes, even the pace that I walk. I want to please everyone who ever crosses into my life, yet I can never please myself. Ironic.

There’s more faults of mine I could write, but it’s getting late and I have classes in the morning. I hope that maybe I can fix one day these faults or at least set them aside, so that I can allow myself to be the person who I want to truly be. Which in turn, will help me achieve the life that I truly want. Whatever that is.