Phantosmia in 2023

I would not have believed this shit was an actual thing were it not happening to me and so I looked it up because wtf.

It started even before Babes died, so I don’t chalk it up (entirely) to grief but the last several weeks it’s gotten progressively more frequent, which lead me to a little research.

Phantosmia is just a fancy word for smelling something that isn’t there. For me .. and this is fucking bizarre .. I smell phantom vehicle exhaust fumes.

For a while, when it was super infrequent, I chalked it up to living in a ground floor apartment with only an 8ft wide stretch of grass separating my windows from the parking lot .. and Babes was the only vehicle that ever backed into our assigned space - which is directly outside our bedroom window - so naturally I assumed that whenever I caught a whiff of exhaust fumes it was because someone had just entered or left the parking lot.

Obviously.

It started happening a little more frequently after Babes died, 2-3 times a week vs 2-3 times a month .. even through the winter months when the windows were/are 100% closed.

The last couple of weeks it’s been daily … sometimes I smell it so strongly that my nostrils burn but the moment I turn my head or try to smell it stronger to figure out where the fuck its coming from … it’s gone. Poof. Instantly. Until a few minutes later … rinse & repeat.

I’ve been trying to have a scented candle lit at all times on the coffee table because sometimes I can focus on that actual olfactory scent and I get a break from the fume smell but geezus candles are expensive. I also have a wax burner Emily sent me, right beside me, but the wax melts are too mild to even smell.

Smell. How fucking weird is that? I did read that phantosmia can be an after-affect of the ‘vid19 which I’m 2× vax’d for and have contracted twice, the most recentl being over this past Christmas but it was so mild compared to the first time, it was nothing more than a poopy cold.

I’m wracking my brain to remember if I was experiencing this before the summer of 2022 (which is when I got the ‘vid the 1st time) or not? I honestly don’t remember. I guess I’ll mention it to my doc next time I see him anyways.

It’s just so weird.

Literal olfactory hallucinations.

I had more to write, I’m sure I did .. just not today I guess.

Fuck I miss him. It’s getting harder and harder .. I guess because the 1 year mark of the very bad day is coming up.

I don’t want to even acknowledge it … I will always always celebrate his November birthday but this date? The one tattooed on my arm after that little ” - ” that represents his entire life on this planet? What do I do with that date? The one that ended everything? I relive it daily anyway, there’s nothing more to relive … relive his death?

I do. Every moment. Of every day.

So why is the advancement of that very bad day on the calendar hurting so much?