Down in Torridaussity Two

You ever just get hit with a wave of misery and despair? That’s what happened to me this morning and I can’t stop crying. I feel like the weight of the world is pressing down on me so hard that it’s pushing the tears straight out of my eyes. They just keep pouring out. I am tired of life right now. I am not suicidal I just want to avoid people and leaving my apartment and having to deal with the assholes of this world and the stress of this world.

I volunteered to lead a meeting at my church this morning for our confirmation program that we recently changed and updated. One of the parents there was just so bitchy and although it wasn’t technically directed right at me it stung. She was complaining that we are asking the students to attend one Saturday class a month for 9 out of the 12 months and she was practically yelling about it. I am all for being able to voice your concerns and complaints when they are done in an appropriate manner, but she was totally out of line. We are adults and I expect especially in front of teenagers you conduct yourself appropriately. I would like to think I held myself to that standard and didn’t raise my voice at all. I acknowledged her concerns and said that if the class was too much for her child or any child to deal with the mutual ministry committee as well as the teachers would revise the process. That this is a new way of doing things and yes it might not work, but we won’t know until we try it. Her husband at the end of the meeting slammed his chair into the table and stomped out again not appropriate. I am not going to lie I am not fond of this couple because they often act as if their shit don’t stink and I do not like when people act as if they are more important than others. No one person is better than any other person. We are all human and deserve respect and equality.

So because I felt hurt and because I am dealing with other stress in my life on my drive home I lost it and have been crying for an hour straight. Why must people be cruel to one another? Why is there so much negativity and hate in this world? I just don’t get it, it is so much easier to be nice than to take the time to be nasty and yet so many people waste their time on being assholes. I will get over this, but I think what gets me is this was in church where people should be even more kind than any other place because we are to be examples of God’s love.

I know why organized religion gets such a bad name and it’s because there are so many hypocrites that stand out for what they are doing instead of people seeing examples of true Christian love. If it wasn’t for needing the money I get for being the music director, I would probably stop attending my church or any church for that matter. There has been so many political agendas and back stabbing in the last 3 years that it makes me sick. My close friend there feels the same way and she has almost left a few times. I just do my best living the way God would want me too and pray for those that are putting their own agendas ahead of God’s when it comes to the church. I love the feeling I get when I sing and praise the Lord, but I am sickened by all the negativity that permeates through the rest of the church. I think I won’t be volunteering for anything else for quite some time.

The other thing bothering me is second chance Matt…if you want a second chance why don’t you text me, why when I suggest we talk on the phone you don’t make a move to do so, why when I say let’s make plans for the date you asked me on, you avoid it? Why ask for a second chance when you make no effort to show me you want one? In the last 2 weeks he has maybe texted me first 2 times. If I hadn’t texted him I wouldn’t hear from him. When I do text him he tells me he misses me. I am afraid he is playing some sort of game with me. I just need to spell it out either we move forward and you actually make an effort or whatever this is is done.

I am also stressed over money it seems like more and more bills are creeping up and my money just isn’t there. I am going farther into debt on my credit cards just to make ends meet. I need to figure out how to make some extra money to pay them off.

Last thing, mom continues to make progress, but is still in the nursing home. We are hoping she will be home in a week or so. Keep her in your thoughts and prayers for her continues recovery please. Thanks for reading. I needed to vent to someone and typically you all help me feel better.