I need new brakes. in Since OD is shutting down....

My daughter and I ran errands this morning where I noticed my brakes are starting to grind. Not a huge issue but the sooner my brother puts new pads on the less expensive this is going to be. I’m not going to worry about it right now but I have to at least buy the pads and hope he puts them on or find someone who won’t charge a shit load of money for something that takes maybe 20 minutes at the most.

I was able to fill my gas tank, get my lotion from the post office since UPS can’t handle dropping my shit off, reported my job issue, and then we got breakfast. We also had to get a couple of things at the store because they added another kid to her class list so we had to get more valentines for tomorrow. I bought hamburger patties and stuff to make chili dogs. I’m trying to decide if I want to do laundry today or tomorrow.

The whole thing about me trying to go back to my old job. I just don’t think it’s meant to happen. I already feel that I’m getting the run around and it’s probably best for me to not go back. I don’t want to worry about the same issues as before such as never leaving work when I’m scheduled and whoever is watching my kid gets burnt out and then I don’t have a sitter at all. I don’t want to worry about leaving my kid with people and I definitely don’t want to go broke paying someone. I plan to just do a side hustle and make that my main income. As long as I do it as much as I have been working, I’ll still be able to get that extra money every month. It’s not a lot but it does help.

I think that maybe I’m one of those people that’s not meant to have a boss. I really have a hard time answering to other people and being told what to do. I’d rather not have to deal with that shit. I’d also like to dictate my time and not have someone else decide when I get to go home. I also worry that I would be super late getting my kid all the time and whoever was watching her would get burnt out. I honestly believe that a side hustle would probably be the best thing I can do, at least for awhile.

I think about how miserable this job made me and I worked 16-20 hours a week. My last job I was there 55 hours a week and still wasn’t as miserable as this super part time job. I feel so much better now that I’ve quit and never have to be there again and neither does my kid. I just wish I could protect all of them. I have a heavy heart leaving. I was there long enough to care about those kids, I just hope that they all tell their families what it’s really like and they make other arrangements.

I’m trying to just enjoy my day and worry about working tomorrow after I get my daughter to school. I’m going to work as much as I can when she’s gone and then try not to spend my weekends busy the whole time. I wish that I would have done this months ago. I was just trying to hard to find a regular job but that’s not working out.

I really did want to see this job through but I couldn’t handle being verbally assaulted everyday, my daughter being upset, and having weeks where we’re on break and don’t see a paycheck. I couldn’t stand how depressed I felt. It’s like when you don’t like your job, you aren’t happy in any other area of your life. You spend most of your time awake at work and if you don’t like your job, it really affects everything else. I had never felt more depressed with a job and I knew that I was not going to stay.

It’s like when I walked in yesterday and she told me to take the day. I saw it as a sign from God that it just wasn’t meant to continue. We came home, ate pizza, made some AMC popcorn and watched one of my daughter’s favorite movies. I text her later on and said that life has taken my daughter and I in a different direction and we won’t be back. She said for me to return my key fob and write a resignation letter. I don’t really plan on doing that but I’m going to drop off the key fob in the morning.

I just feel so free. I feel like a different person. I don’t have to worry about being screamed at by that old fuck anymore. I don’t have to worry about trying to keep track of 30 kids by myself anymore. I don’t have to worry that there’s a school break and I won’t see any money for 3 weeks again. I also just got so tired of my co-workers being rude as fuck for no reason. I am usually a talkative person and in the right scenario, I can be pretty outgoing and friendly so it’s weird that even after being there a couple of months, I still felt pretty closed off. I didn’t feel comfortable trying to talk to anyone unless it was a work related question or comment.

After my last job of 7 years I made the decision that I will never let another job bring me down like that one did. I know that this job wasn’t going to change no matter how long I was there and I grew increasingly agitated every single day I was there. I was going to blow up on someone and probably get fired anyways.

I really struggle with feeling powerless or like I don’t have any choices. That’s why I took this job in the first place. But, I thought it would be a fun job and everyone would be really easy to get along with and like I’d fit in pretty well after a couple of weeks. Well, I felt powerless and even 2 months in, like an outsider.

One of my issues is not feeling heard. I like to believe that I’m a pretty communicative person but I’m only going to bring shit up twice and at that point if nothing changes, I tend to shut down and go away. I don’t like being a broken record and I am not going to keep preaching on the same shit over and over and over again because they fucking heard you the first time. I got a couple texts from the people I worked with asking if I was okay and they heard we won’t be coming back. I had mentioned a couple of different times about the older guys and how they lost patience like 10 years ago and how I had issues with how I was talked to so I’m not sure why it’s coming as a big shock that I quit.

I’m deciding on when I want to do laundry. It’s raining so I don’t know if I want to walk over to the other building to do it or not. I plan to buy brake pads after I get my daughter to school in the morning. I’ll probably have to pay someone to put them on because my brother is full of excuses so I let him know I won’t have any money to get his kid a birthday gift. Again, I’ve helped him a thousand times and saved him plenty of money and DUI’s but can’t ever help me so I won’t worry about anything either.

I just did dishes again and put meatloaf in the oven. I’m going to make instant mashed potatoes and corn to go with it. I want something different. We usually have burgers, fajitas, or pizza so tonight we’re going to indulge in some meatloaf. It’s sunny out now but I’m just going to plan on laundry tomorrow.

My brother really pisses me off with his views on my parenting. I had told him about the after school program and hit all the high notes. I told him that neither of us feel safe there and we just don’t want to be there. He tells me that I can’t just let my daughter run all over me and make the decisions. Um, I don’t want to be there so I’m not going to force my kid to be either. There’s been multiple occasions where she’s cried and told me how badly she’d rather be at home and I’m going to listen. He says that I can’t protect her from everything. He’s right, I can’t. But, I’m going to protect her where I can for as long as possible too!

It’s been a pretty good day though. Anytime I’d have a negative thought, I’d follow it up with at least my daughter and I don’t have to go back to that after school shit!!

More tomorrow.