Still waiting. in Since OD is shutting down....

I am still waiting for the word that I’m going back to my old job. My friend mentioned my worry about childcare but I also can’t worry about not making enough money to survive either. No matter what I do, there’s always going to be plenty to worry about. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.

My other friend said to me last night that basically I can’t just bail out either. I was planning to get my kid early, drop off the key fob and not say another word but I’m going to try and stick it out for now. I’m diligently hoping to hear something and then not even have to deal with that interview tomorrow which will make me run late for work and I don’t really want to lose money to attend a fucking interview. I know that like to schedule them so they aren’t put out but don’t care if you are.

I’m just so frustrated with everything. I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I just have this dark cloud looming over me and I don’t know when I’ll see sunshine next.

Not sure if I’m having a stress-induced allergic reaction or what, but my mouth on the right side is red and itchy. My right leg feels itchy and swollen. I have really bad heartburn today and in no mood for anyone’s shit. I think if anyone says anything to me, I’m just going to grab my kid and leave. I’m emotionally unstable because I haven’t smoked in 4 days and my emotions are all over the place.

Old boss texted back and they are wanting me to interview with the manager on Thursday afternoon but I asked if we could do it any sooner and she told me to stand by. I’d just like to know asap if going back is even a consideration so the quicker I get interviewed, the quicker I know what I’m doing. I’m very stressed about all of this because then it’s trying to get the right schedule and having sitters for when I work. I know that’s a lot to stress about but it’s also a lot to stress about having a job that isn’t going to get me anywhere financially either.

I have to start getting ready for work. I’m in no fucking mood to be there and honestly, I’m just waiting for someone to say something I don’t like and I’m getting the fuck out of there. I already can’t stand the way I’m talked to and how disrespected I am every single day that today is just not the fucking day.

It’s crazy to think that a very part time job could bring just as much anger and stress as a full time job. I thought I was just going to hang out with kids and it was just going to be a really fun job but it’s not like that whatsoever. I don’t like my boss, I don’t really like the people I work with, I’m tired of being disrespected every day that I’m there, I’m tired of someone telling the kids something different than what I tell them. I’m tired of voicing concerns to the boss because it’s clear that nothing’s going to change.

I feel bad that neither my daughter or myself get choices. We don’t get the choice to hang around with other people or spend time apart when there isn’t school because no one will help with things. I’m stuck at a job that makes me want to wrap my car around a pole every fucking day because I don’t have any help. I’m just hoping that I can work 4 days a week if I get offered to go back there. I don’t want to plan to be away from my kid all the damn time.

Depression is really getting to me. I feel so bad that I feel like this. I will forever wish that things were different. I feel bad that my kid is stuck with me when there’s no school. I feel bad that she has to spend so much time there. I will feel bad putting her with a babysitter if I get that job. I feel bad no matter what I do. I feel bad that she doesn’t have another parent. I feel bad that I don’t have better parents or even grandparents for her. I feel bad that I’ve spent so much time being angry at my situation.

I could be late going in today but I’d rather just get there around the time I need to be there and try to give some story that I might be late tomorrow, depending on my interview. I don’t know, I just feel stuck no matter what I try to do. I wonder if I really want to be reliant again on a babysitter and how that’s going to play out. I know my Mom said she’d help when she can but then I have to worry about my Dad coming around. My brother is usually not super helpful so I kinda feel like I’m setting myself up for a serious let down. I worry that I’ll interview and once I say I’m only trying to work like 4 days that it won’t be enough. I don’t want to be away from my kid all the time like I was before.