Holy shit in 2023

I think I had a small breakthrough yesterday. Nothing to do with the grief, nothing that will help with that pain, but a breakthrough nonetheless.

I kept seeing those short little clips or reels on FB of panning audio and I tried to remind myself to look that shit up at some point because I was enthralled by the sounds even just holding my phone the way they said to because I didn’t have earphones nearby.

Yesterday I finally remembered to look up audio like that (8D audio it’s called) .. with earphones .. and holy fucking shit …

For the first absolute first time in my life … the noise inside my head went silent as the bass and treble panned between the earphones .. I felt surrounded by .. just .. I don’t know, music and silence at the same time - I don’t know how to explain it.

I always have music playing in my house - 24 hours a day, 7 days a week - on my Google home speaker. Half the time it’s just the Toronto rock station, the other half I connect my Spotify and play either my own playlists or ones curated by Spotify for me .. I fall asleep with the TV on in my room, and radio plays quietly in the living room all night for the dogs and so it’s already on when I get up in the morning.

My head is so noisy all the time, I need this ambient background sound at all times because it’s exhausting trying to get through the day with how loud my head is .. I know that’s a terrible description, but it’s the best I can do to explain what it’s like.

So while experiencing this 8D audio properly for the first time, I explored the definition of “neurodivergent” … I’m behind the times, I know, at my age I should know about all these things but I don’t. Anyways.

Turns out neurodivergent is the definition of what I’ve been saying about myself for fucking years but no one would listen …

Maybe it’s not ALL mental illness, mother fuckers. Maybe some people just have personalities like mine and those that DON’T are the weird ones!!!

Thank fuck someone actually made people listen and named it neurodiversity.

Now I’m not saying I don’t also struggle with mental illness - depression is real and sucks, and I’ve been medicated for 25 years for it and I still struggle .. BUT .. I wonder if the “illness” part of that diagnosis is less an illness and more a personality trait?

I prefer 8D audio without lyrics, thats just me, I heartily suggest you give it a try …

I put a Spotify 8D instrumental playlist on in my earphones yesterday and cleaned the entire apartment, had a shower, etc and felt … idk, honestly I wish I could put into words how it felt with that audio.

Right now I have the radio playing as usual, having my morning cuppa - I slept in until 9:30am this morning which is absurd, I’m always up without an alarm at 7am - gonna do a little gaming. The house is spotless, I’m wearing a pair of Babes’ jammie pants with my hoodie and I’m feeling okay.

Gonna save that 8D audio stuff for super loud bad days .. to pull me out of it. I don’t wanna overuse it, I’m afraid it’ll stop working.

But ya. Neurodivergent. Who knew?