Interviews, school, work. Blah! in Since OD is shutting down....

Alright so I had an interview yesterday at a call center here close to where I live. It lasted for 3 hours and the starting pay is $12/hr! Holy shit right!!! Well, I realized when I was there that I just couldn’t do that kind of job. I know that I probably wouldn’t be able to make that kind of transition when I used to having a job where I’m constantly moving, interacting with co-workers along with customers and I’m kept busy. At a call center you sit in a cubicle, talk into a headset, bug people for money and type on a computer. I just know this wouldn’t be the job for me, especially after having a very high energy fast paced job for the past year.

I unblocked my ex John a couple of weeks ago and normally he would see my pic and message me right away but this time he didn’t. So yesterday (after 2 weeks) I messaged him. Needless to say, I went over to his house after work last night and left angry like I normally do but this time it was because he just seemed so detached from me and not his normal, loving self. It was just not what I thought it would be at all to see him. I even had to be the one to mention us seeing each other which is a first because he’s usually the one to invite me over and tell me how much he’s missed me and wants us to get together. I know that he’s recovering from having a pacemaker put in and I didn’t get over to his house until about 10 so I know he was tired but he was just so different then what I’m used to. I also didn’t like how he had lied to me the last time we saw each other about why he was going to move back to Texas. I knew it was because he wanted to try and get back with an ex but told me it was to take care of his Mom which I knew wasn’t true because he doesn’t like his Mom. Well this ex kept calling and texting his phone while I was there and he wasn’t being honest about it and then the next thing I know, he goes in the bathroom and I know it was to check her messages! He shut the door behind him which isn’t normal for him and it just pisses me off that he couldn’t just tell me what was going on. I left really hurt and didn’t even say goodbye.

I guess this hurts so much because he was the one person I could count on to love me unconditionally and someone I could always run to even just to have someone to listen and cuddle with me. It sucks to know he’s not that person anymore. I know that it’s time to let him go completely. It was never a good situation and now, it’s even worse. He just isn’t able to give me what I need, he never could but now everything is even further from where I wish it was.

Then, after I left his house I was on my way home and saw my other ex! He was in his truck at the gas station! Not sure if he saw me or not but I saw him and wondered why the fuck he was out at almost 11pm! When he came to visit me, he was home by 10pm. That motherfucker probably just got done fucking some girl and was on his way home, I’ll bet anything. Needless to say, I came home super depressed and wanted to die. I just don’t know what I’m ever going to do. I have so much love in my heart and no one to give it to.

Anyways, I have another interview here soon that I’m getting ready for. It’s at my favorite department store so I’m kinda stoked. I’m not nearly as nervous as I was yesterday for my other interview.

I have been at my job for a whole year, celebrated one year anniversary on Wednesday. No raise, no bonus. Nothing. Pretty fucking typical. That’s why I want to get the fuck out of there.

I feel super lonely and I really wish I had friends to hang out with. I’m so tired of there never being anyone to kick it with when I have free time. It drives me fucking nuts. I feel so alone and miserable sometimes. It’s just been a really long week and it would be nice to have people to share my time with and go do stuff with. I have a free pass to the movies so I might go do that later. I’d like someone to go with but no one is ever interested in doing anything if it’s my idea and nobody ever has any money and I’m not going to pay someone’s way just to get them to come with me.

Sometimes I still question why I exist and what my purpose is on this planet. I’m still completely by myself, I still feel invisible, I still think about my death and if anyone would really care if I wasn’t around anymore. I just want to know why God chose this for me. Parents who could care less if I’m alive because I’m not giving them money and all the people I’ve considered friends have either moved, died, went to prison or just walked away.

I don’t know, something has got to give. I know that I don’t put myself out there as much as I could but even with working and going to school, it hasn’t helped me meet anyone worthy of a friendship or more. I just don’t know how to go about finding good people so I’m stuck with the shitty ones and worrying about people who don’t even deserve to be an issue in my life.

All I know is it’s been a really long week and I’m just exhausted physically and emotionally. I miss the day of having people to hang out with, do dinners, just go do stuff. I’m always excited to have days off but never really do much and the only person I really see is my niece and that’s because they need a break.

Whatever. Time to get ready to go.