Saving Up Happiness in Phoenix Rises Again

The day I saw the announcement for your band’s last show I cried so hard and long that I woke up the next morning with my eyes swollen shut. It isn’t the music I mourned for the loss of. The music exists bow. It will always be there. I’ll always have it. It wasn’t the mosh pit I’d miss, there are plenty of those in the community. The excitement of the crowd was always too much for me. I tied my stomach into knots and drank to numb the anxiety so I could stand in that crowd, at the front of the stage, at your feet…

It was always you I went for. The chance to see you, to hear you, if I was lucky I’d get a hug. I treasured each one. Even if I couldn’t convince you to talk to me at all or even find the courage to try, I got to feel your presence in the same room as mine and watch your smile light up my life again. I got to see you being happy dancing with her. And see you fill with excitement as the fans screamed their love for you. But mostly I got to see you. Now you are gone again. And once again it feels like you died.

And it feels like love died. There may not be anyone out there for me now that you’ve married her. I just hope you can be happy enough for both of us. I hope you get every dream as I watch mine die one by one. Because your happiness would be worth alot of misery for me. But it sure would be nice if I could see that happiness in person.

All I ever wanted was to be your best friend. To be able to openly care about you and see you care about me without trying to court me. My timing is never right with love. It probably never will be. I don’t care. I’ve wasted too much time on love. Now I must focus on bigger things. I just wish you were there to celebrate the successes with me, and comfort me after each loss. But we know it’s that last part that would be problematic. For you anyway…

I’m very anxious tonight about my future and my family’s well being. So if you are out there reading this somehow, be extra happy for me. One of us needs to be. And it was never me.

Selfishly I wonder, when do I get to be the happy one? Will it ever work out for me? I don’t know but I have more than I ever had before. Maybe happiness is just saved up a little at a time.

Jay, smile for me. And if you can, send me a big ol Jay hug. I could really use one tonight.

Goodnight, someone else’s love.