So... in Since OD is shutting down....

I went down to the pick up the papers and the judge denied issuing a temporary PO and we have court on the 26th at 1:30. I’m sure that he didn’t issue it because I stupidly dropped the other one. I also feel that going to court would be pointless because the harassing behavior would probably be justified because he was trying to reach me for our child. I’m just sitting here pretty pissed at myself because I shouldn’t have ever dropped that order. I was again trying to be decent and allow him every chance to turn his shit around. I just think it’s crazy that this person has done every rotten thing to me that he could have possibly done and there’s no accountability.

I don’t know how to feel other than to hope he can’t be found to get served so he doesn’t show up to court so there might be a better chance of it getting granted. I think whether he shows up or not, it’s probably not worth the time trying. I also would have to miss work or go in afterwards and depending on court, I wouldn’t be in the right state of mind to put up with rude, disrespectful little brats.

The only thing I can really do to make the madness stop is to move out of here. He’s never going to stop and I don’t believe the courts are going to issue another PO. It’s not a fun feeling that someone gets to abuse you and face no accountability. It’s the same thing with CS. He’s going to do whatever he can to evade any responsibility.

This is just another thing for me to roll over and accept. I feel like I’m just getting punished for trying to be decent before and dropping that PO. The guy was still threatening me with that PO in place which really pisses me off.

Work is another bullshit thing too. The kids were so rude and disrespectful yesterday. I seriously don’t know how much longer I plan to work there. I don’t know how long I’m willing to tolerate this shit. I get that we live in a low income area and these kids probably aren’t taught how to respect adults but I can only take so much. I’m not going to do what I did with the last job and just stay in hopes that it gets better while it’s ruining my mental health. I don’t make enough money to consider dealing with this shit long term. I plan to stick it out for now, but I’m still looking for something else.

I think this is my karma for every bad thing I’ve done my entire life. I chose to have a kid with the wrong guy and I’m going to be punished for the rest of my life. There’s nothing I can do but just hope that he doesn’t come back to my work and embarrass the shit out of me again. I don’t like how entitled he is with seeing MY child after not ever being there.

I just can’t understand how someone gets to abuse, annoy, harass, and threaten you and there’s nothing that can be done. I’m probably going to call and tell them I decided to drop it because if we went to court and the judge didn’t grant it, he’d be thriving off my anger. I’m not going to let that happen. I can at least block him from contacting me directly so there’s that.

It’s just a day where I wish I could crawl in a hole. I don’t like my job and I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be there. I just need to find something else before I quit. I just wish I had childcare on weekends and at night so I could go back to the job I was at before. This thing where there’s no childcare outside of school makes me want to break the fuck down. I am so tired of being where I’m at that I do worry someday I’m going to not be able to leave my bed and just drown in depression. I struggle to make it through the day now and I feel like I’m 1 inconvenience away from just breaking.

I just don’t want to do anything today but I gotta finish getting ready and go to work. I’m still not super comfortable there. I think my co-workers can be kinda rude at times and I just don’t think this is the job for me. I just feel super stuck and have to find a way to change it. I’m trying to hard to make this work at least for the time being but it just gets harder every single day.

Another thing. I wish I had friends. I wish I had a Mother. I wish that people weren’t so selfish or controlling.