Dragging in 2023

Time. It’s just dragging. I’ve never felt more like a zombie. Or a robot maybe.

Day in, day out. I should enjoy the routine. Isn’t routine proper or something? But I’m not choosing the routine .. it’s just automatic .. I’m functioning. Nothing more.

Some mornings I’ll suddenly realize I’m on the couch with my coffee and I don’t remember making the pot of coffee that morning but it’s hot and fresh.

Or I’ll come in from taking the girls out and be hanging up their leashes when I have to stop and think hard if I should be putting their leashes on of if we’ve just come in from outside?

Everything just happens and I’m rarely present for it. I’d like to be able to blame it on pharmaceuticals but I’ve been on the highest dose possible of my anti-depressant for 6 or 7 years, so it’s not that.

I haven’t taken a clonaz for anxiety in a long time .. I think probably since around Christmas anyways, the holidays were tough.

I’ve only taken the rx sleeping meds maybe 4× in 2 weeks - they absolutely help when I need them to. They also leave a shit taste my mouth the next morning.

So .. you know, I’m just existing and it’s quite strange. I recognize it but .. I don’t care.

I used to be able to “see myself” in 5 years or 10 years or 20 years .. I don’t anymore. I don’t plan anything. I don’t know what day of the week it is unless I specifically check … I realized today that it’s February.

I just want Dee to finish school. Thats all. He’ll be 18 this month and finish school in June and then hopefully I can at least ship him back to BC with his siblings.

Sadie & I can manage living in a vehicle somewhere, but I’m going to have to ask the rescue that I adopted Grace from to take her back. I’m good friends with them to this day, they know about Babes, and how badly I’m struggling.

I’ve been agonizing over this but it’s not fair to her with her three little legs to be struggling too. I get dog food from the SPCA sometimes, they have a doggo food bank which is amazing. I feel so fucking irresponsible about it all.

I know maybe all this sounds so extreme, but I’ve been trying to figure it out for months and I know Grace will be okay and maybe if I ever get on my feet again they will let me have her back.

It makes me feel so sick. I can’t give her up too. I lost Turk, then Socks, then Babes. I can’t. But how can I be a good dog Mom like this?

Days like this I wish I wasn’t even existing.