Grief in Dreams

I woke up crying.
I felt such a gentle, subtle, and far away grief. Yet deep. As deep as I could ever feel. It was a very unique experience.
I imagined that there was a lover deep inside of me, trapped. She longed and pined for her true love. She waited lifetimes for this opportunity to be embodied, incarnated, maybe. And her love is here. There was the opportunity.. but it is now past. She did her best. She everything she could have. Yet the union never materialized.
And now I feel it; the grief is so strong right now. I don’t know if this is the truth. It’s what I feel. And this is what I thought, when I asked of it, what it was about.

I dreamt that I was maybe a little bit younger, though not a lot. I was working entry-level, dead end jobs. Not making much money. Scraped to get by. But… I was happy. Playful, even. I was mischievous, impulsive, and free spirited. A side of me that shone a lot more when I was younger. There was a man, who I don’t know. He reminded me of… a mixture of every young love or crush that I had. Starting with the one in 5th grade or so.
He was playful, as well. Indirect, but joyous and open about it. He was not a big man- rather about my same height, slight, only minimally muscled, but strong and confident. Fit, well kept, well groomed. His eyes and hair were dark. Very intelligent. Very social, outgoing, and in his element in large crowds, which was the setting of my dream entirely.
Every job I had or area I was in, he were there, but always surrounded by people. People loved him. Other men loved him- he was a sophisticated and genuine friend- but especially women loved him. He was as a fire to their moths, sometimes batting them away out of some kindness, but sometimes letting them flutter and burn too close. He did not seem at all disturbed by this, but rather as par-for-the-course.
I never approached him. Yet we were obviously a dynamic. Equally as intense, in opposite or complimentary ways, I was more the mysterious enigma. Although less men approached me, they were relentless. My crush seemed amused at my exasperation with them.
Nothing much at all happened in the dream. It was all very much simply a vague situation. What do they call that these days? Situationship. That is what my dream was about.

I am struck by the polarity in myself, in this dream. I was so happy. Yet I know that I could never put up with such vague, undefined, or ephemeral dealings. It would at once tantalize and drive me insane. I wonder if this part of me wishes to just be sort of insane and anti-rational, without the judgement of my rational and empirical side? It has definitely been on my mind that over the last phase of my life, I have worked very hard to create and take within rational empiricism.
Perhaps that phase is over. I am now on to developing the socio-emotional part of myself. Which is only too ready to be let out.