I need advice. in Since OD is shutting down....

I’ve been thinking a lot about getting another protection order. I just don’t know if that’s the thing to do or not. He had to have known that him coming to her school would be humiliating for me and I feel that’s just another control tactic but embarrassing the fuck out of me. I’m still really grateful that my boss was as helpful as she could be and did what she could to get me away from him. I knew that him sitting next to me was just to talk shit and get me to react in front of the people I work with.

I want to get another protective order simply because I don’t want to worry that he’s going to come back and do this again. I want to get one so that I can be in the right state of mind and not have to be on guard every second. I’m also not cool with him stopping in to see her where I won’t get to even know about it until afterwards and then have to stress that my kid is going to have a hard time for weeks afterwards.

I also hesitate to get another one because then he’ll have more reason to never pay. He won’t anyway though. I just feel like getting one again would just be adding more fuel to the fire and it make things even worse. I just get angry to feel that everything is in his favor and I’m just to endure this. Like it’s never ending. I’m to sit here and raise a kid by myself and be left with absolutely everything and still have to take his abuse. Like him coming to her school. There’s a lot of control and manipulation in that. It makes me feel as if I’m just to do whatever he decides and there’s consequences if I don’t.

I want to understand how you don’t give a flying fuck about your child her WHOLE LIFE but then feel you should come around when it’s suitable for you. I don’t understand why in the absolute fuck you would want to keep putting your own child through this ringer. What is this doing for him? What exactly is he gaining? He came there with the intent to embarrass me even if it meant embarrassing himself.

It’s not enough that I’ve taken his abuse directly and indirectly, but still sat there and took the threat of court in front of the principal. If he would have said something like how about we work something out so I can just come see her at school instead of talking about having an attorney, I know that I would have been a lot more receptive to a conversation but when it’s just abuse and control with everything he says, I’m very closed off. There’s no way to have a reasonable conversation. It’s his way or I take abuse.

I’m to take care of her day to day by myself and if he chooses to not be involved it’s completely okay but it’s not once he feels he’s being kept away. It’s bullshit that I feel like I’m not being heard and like no one cares what this is like for my child. I told her today that he had came on Thursday to see her and I said no. I told her that he’s only ever going to be around once in a while but isn’t able to be around on a regular basis. I told her that maybe sometimes I forget that it’s probably tough for her to grow up with only one parent but she says she loves her 1 parent which made me feel better but it shouldn’t be like this.

I think going to court would be a necessary evil. I honestly can say that I probably don’t have the best judgment anymore because he’s put me through so much and it would probably be better for my child if a judge made the decisions. He won’t ever take it to court because he has more control this way. He knows that if there was a court order, he would have to be consistent and probably wouldn’t get everything all his way. I highly doubt they would make an order for him to be free to be in and out every few months like he’s been. The whole point of a court order is to have consistency for the child.

I’m just really conflicted on getting that protection order. I just don’t want to be humiliated again and have to be on edge every day I’m working. I also don’t like the thought of him coming to see her and I don’t get to have any say in it. I don’t feel that the school needs to have any involvement because it’s not their place to decide that he can come see her. This is seriously a matter for the family courts and I would like to feel that what I want for my child is going to be respected.

We did hot chocolate yesterday before the day kicked off and I asked her if there was any visitors. She said no and I felt pretty relieved. The principal said she was sure he would come back but he didn’t. I just don’t want to live in fear of him coming. That’s no way to live. I just don’t get how you don’t care for MONTHS and then show up at random. There’s no convincing me that he actually cares to have a relationship with his child, he’s interested in creating hell for me. He shouldn’t get that right.

Honestly, I feel like he should be grateful that I’ve never had regular contact with him, I don’t ask anything of him or his family and just quietly move in peace. He doesn’t have to worry about being involved or me having any expectations. He can do whatever he wants and live his best life without the worry of a child, her safety or even her well being. He’s gotta know that this is detrimental to her for him to come in and out but again, there’s no regard for that.

It’s just frustrating that I’m in a good place and no one will just let me be there. I spent YEARS sitting in my hurt and anger and now that I’m doing just fine, he pops up again. It’s like I’m not allowed to just move on and be okay. It must be nice to go months without her even being a thought but then come in like a fucking wrecking ball to make drama. I hope he’s fucking happy with the embarrassment he’s caused both of us. I get to stay and give explanations and he gets to walk out and go on with his day.

It’s cold and rainy today. I’m hoping to get little down for a nap.