October's Here in Still Listening to Spirit

When tourists ask me what I do after season is over, my reply is “I start by sleeping the entire month of October.” I am doing that more or less because I am not steady enough to do the things that need done.

I look at my living area and I want to purge, rearrange, get rid of things I have neither seen nor thought of in at least a year (andprobably longer). I am unsteady on my feet more times than not and I find myself stumbling sideways or back a step or two.

I feel fragile, tentative, disengaged from everything around me. I did see Carol at the clinic Monday. Lynne is out of town until November. She prescribed a very mild tranquilizer to take care of the panic/anxiety attacks I am unable to control. I swear if I had dto have that pain all night long in my back one more night, I would just go jump off the railroad dock.

I am frightened the pain will come back. It’s been a long time since I have been truly afraid to this degree.

I am hanging in. Carol wants me to consider seeing John the mental health therapist. I am reluctant as I know I am very self-aware and have the tools to help myself. Carol suggested I might just need a refresher course. I agreed to think about it and we will revisit this when the pills I have run out.

So down, so ‘flat’ so discouraged. I am still kicking and as long as I am around, there is hope. I have been here before, I can conquer this.