Super Sarcastic Awesome in Book One: The Not So Daily Briefs 2014

It has been… a strange day.

Last night, due to how I was feeling, I tried to approach the lack of romance, physical contact, etcetera in my marriage in a new way. I sat my wife down and told her I wanted to share with her some of my fantasies and then discuss fantasy in general. She listened and, where she felt appropriate, criticized. When I shared with her my “darkest” fantasy (super tame in the grand scheme of things but when her idea of sex is missionary every few years, it seems dark)… anyway, I shared that with her and her lip kind of curled at it and she said “So you’re into bondage?” I decided not to correct her… I was already somewhat exhausted from trying to have the conversation. I tried to get her to open up… what turns her on, what excites her, what would she want if she could have any fantasy come true........ there was essentially no response. She couldn’t think of anything, had nothing to contribute, had no interest.

So we went to bed and… whatevs. During the night I had a dream about my competitive swimming days and my now-deceased coach and the theme of the dream seemed to be “Remember when you started how you didn’t know anything about competitive swimming… and when you finished, you were amazing at it? Just keep going, keep swimming, things will work out.”

I woke up and… my wife was not in bed. And it was 10am. Power outage in the middle of the night killed my alarm and the AC so I woke up hot and late for work. My wife woke up in the middle of the night, felt hot, and slept on the couch. I don’t blame her for not realizing the alarm clocks were dead… I’m sure she was still half-asleep when she relocated… but it sucks that I missed a full shift at work.

The previous evening’s conversation still swims around in my head. It really makes me think I should approach Molly and just say “I’m attracted to you. Not that we need to do anything about that, just wanted you to know.” But… to be fair… it has been a long time since I was attracted to someone like this. I don’t want to tell her, have things get weird between us, and then just be stuck where I am. I’d rather keep the “I’m attracted” thing alive for a bit longer. But as I think about all of this… it makes me realize exactly how much is missing when the hint of attraction, the suggestion of sexual playfulness is gone.

Sexy e-mails shared back and forth exciting each other… phone calls in the middle of the day to arouse one another… bringing a woman to orgasm and have her ravish me… lingerie and sexy underwear purchased with me in mind… a woman that finds my erection a turn on instead of a nuisance…

The idea of signing on to a website crosses my mind. Something like Tinder or Zoosk or Cougar Life. But I don’t. I’m likely too old for Cougar Life; and dating websites feel dishonest as I am a married man… and then I find myself looking at Ashley Madison. A website that claims to set married people up with one another. 70% of the members are male and many of the females on the site are sex workers… so obviously no to that as well. But even as all of this swirls through my head… I consider the honor and the loss of honor. Yes… I want to bring a woman to a gushing orgasm and have her ride me until I explode… yes, I want to say “I’m excited to see you later” and hear the same in reply… but I’m married.