Heavy in 2023

I strained and struggled and managed to get the weighted blanket back on the bed yesterday. It’s a shockingly difficult task to maneuver a 40lb king size blanket onto a queen size bed by yourself.

I never needed it with you next to me. You snuggled and cuddled and wrapped me in your arms & legs through the night and I slept better than I ever had before.

Why did I always lay my head on your chest and listen to your heart beat? Why was that our thing to do while snuggling and talking? Why. Why of all things did I love resting my cheek on you and listening to the steady … strong .. beats of your heart?

Your heart that failed you. Failed us both.

Why did I tease you and say that I should get a mold made of your … you know … so that if I ever lost you I would always have that? What a stupid fucking thing to say.

What a stupid fucking thing to say.

Why did you tell me that the only way you were leaving me was in a pine box?

We ran to the grocery store and you had moved parking spots between the time I ran in the store quickly and the time I came back out and for a moment I panicked because I didn’t see you where I had last seen you. But then you honked just a few spaces over and as I scrambled into the truck, obviously relieved, you laughed and said, “Don’t worry, Babes, the only way I’m leaving you is in a pine box.”

A pine box.

I can still smell it. Maybe it wasn’t pine but it was wood and it smelled like wood. How dare it smell like freshly milled wood. No shellac or lacquer or fancy satin pillows and padding … a simple pine box, my love, the only way I would let you go.

I wandered out of bed a little while ago. It’s almost 11pm which is well past the 1 hour I give myself to fall asleep before resorting to prescription sleeping pills. I guess I’ll take one.

Fuck I hate this. I hate being awake. I hate laying in bed and not being able to shut my brain off .. heavy blanket, your heart beats, pine boxes, memories.

Shut up shut up shut up. Just stop. I must be going insane. Have I already? Have I fallen so deeply down this hole of grief and pain that there isn’t a way back? Back where?