Tired, homework, glad it's the weekend. in Since OD is shutting down....

Last night I didn’t get off work at home until after 10pm. I didn’t get to sleep until around midnight so I slept in kinda late. My alarm went off at 8:45 and I didn’t get ready to leave until about 20 minutes before I had to be there. I was so glad when my class was over because at the end of the week, I’m just super tired and glad that I don’t have to work on Friday. I have plenty to study as there’s a test on Monday but it’s not a lot like last time so I’m hoping I’ll do fine.

I had to give my manager a ride to her car last night and asked if there was anything said about a raise or bonus for those of us who have been there a year and she said no. It just kills me that I’ve given a year of my life to a place that doesn’t appreciate jack shit. I can’t even begin to describe how angry I am about this situation and how unfair it is. I try really hard to just be grateful I have a job, I have the schedule I want, I make cash every night, I’m comfortable there, and I can at least tolerate the ones that are still there. I’m just frustrated that I’ve worked so hard and it just doesn’t seem to matter and never did. I guess it’s just the price you pay when you work at a restaurant making minimum wage plus tips.

I’m just going to hope that the tips are going to improve, especially with the weather starting to get icky. Last night I made $75 in tips which was nice because I was able to buy groceries, test strips and just buy the things I need for a good diet. I’m frustrated that it didn’t leave much when I still have to pay my cable bill (which is $100) and put gas in my car. All I know is if things don’t start looking up, I’m going to have no choice but to find another job as I can’t survive on $30-$50 a night like it’s been for the past month.

I have my niece tonight. I was asked to watch her yesterday and then finally got her about an hour ago. I went to my class and then came home for breakfast when I realized I should try and nap which didn’t really happen and then I was gonna go swim but once I got outside to get in the car, it was super windy and rainy so I decided not to go. I just don’t want to risk having wet hair and up end up getting sick. I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do when it’s cold and miserable every single day. I’m gonna just have to figure out how to either keep my hair dry or something. I should have at least walked a mile on a treadmill but I was just so fucking tired today. I got my shopping done at walmart, came home and got all my preliminary studying out of the way and then took a 2 hour nap before they brought my niece over.

I’ll have her until at least noon tomorrow and then I have to get some studying done. I really went to get another decent test grade on Monday. It’s only a 60 point test so I shouldn’t do too bad but I definitely want to get in some studying.

My loneliness is getting to me to the extent that I unblocked my ex John on Facebook almost 2 weeks ago and he hasn’t sent a message. It’s unlike him to not try and contact me. I’ve never had to wait more than a couple of days for him to notice that I’ve unblocked him. Either he just hasn’t noticed or could possibly be in the hospital resulting from another binder. I just wish things could be different. It sucks that things have to be so fucked up. I do miss him for the love he had for me and wish he could have turned out halfway human so we could have made it work but even at 47, he’s not ready to change.

I’ve also been thinking about those 2 little girls I used to have on weekends. I do miss them. I miss them enough that I sent their Dad a Facebook message telling him I hope they are doing well and I’ve been thinking of them. I doubt he’ll respond but it just sucks that things there had to end up where they did all because the Mom wanted to be greedy. I really wish people could be a little more reasonable and a tad more willing to work things out for the sake of everyone.

The holidays are coming up. It’s never my favorite time for year because things with my family are never great and I end up spending way too much money for people who couldn’t give 2 fucks. I’m not going to be spending any money on my parents whatsoever as they haven’t bought me Christmas or birthday presents in several years and again, I’m tired of one sided relationships. I highly doubt my Mom will get a job in time to even consider buying gifts for anyone and even if she did, she won’t be able to afford them anyway. Even when she was making $20/hour, she still couldn’t afford to get us anything because she spent all of her money on my Dad and little brother.

It really bothers me that my parents aren’t in a good place but it bothers me more that they don’t do much of anything to change it. They are almost 60 so this shit where none of them work or do much outside of the house is really unacceptable. I just couldn’t image not having a job and don’t plan on being unemployed ever again. I spent so much time believing I couldn’t change or was too scared to but now I can’t believe how much time I wasted in negative mindset bullshit. I still have a lot of self doubt, anxiety issues and sometimes struggle to get out of bed in the morning but I wouldn’t trade my life now for how it was a year or even two years ago.

I get that I’m pretty set in my ways with a lot of things but my parents are set in their ways to the point of it being unhealthy and they’ve ruined a lot of good things and burnt so many bridges by being the way they are. I used to believe that it was just my Dad but it’s my Mom too. I get that she always worked but has had her fair share of milking off relatives, not paying people back, taking advantage of someone’s generosity and good nature, and being several heartless and manipulative. I’m thankful that she helped me with what she did but now I honestly do feel that I’ve done above and beyond when it comes to paying her back and “helping” so I just wish they could understand that.

Sometimes I really wonder why God chose them as my parents. I feel like they shouldn’t have ever had kids because they don’t even have a healthy relationship with each other so that’s probably partly why they couldn’t have had healthy relationships with their kids. It just really makes me sad. I just get so tired of how my they feel that my brother and I just “owe” them and all we should ever really worry about is giving them money. I mean, that is just super unhealthy and they refuse to see that!!! It’s just fucking old!

Even though my job pisses me off and people talk shit about the kind of job I have, I am still proud that I work and have been there for a year. I’m proud of where I’m at even though most people don’t know where I used to be. I can’t believe I spent so much time not working and just sitting around bored out of my mind gaining weight when I could be so much closer to where I am now.

Time for me to try and get some sleep.