29 Weeks in The REAL Baby Journey!

I’ve been struggling a lot this week with guilt and comparing my abilities with those around me and battling internal signs that maybe I need to start cutting back at work. I’ve cried more this week than all of my previous weeks of pregnancy and I can feel the toll that being emotionally overwhelmed is taking on my body.

After long talks with Rob, my mom, my sister and two of my best girlfriends, I think I need to talk with my boss about cutting back to two 12 hour shifts a week. I’m doing three right now and while I stubbornly want to keep everything as normal and ‘prepregnancy’ as before, the fact is I’m not pre-pregnancy anymore. I’m slower there and while I could cover it for awhile, I feel more and more like it’s starting to affect patient care. Our patient population has been incredibly difficult lately with numerous suicide attempts, graphic traumatic motor vehicle accident patients and family situations that have left us scrambling to call Security and Patient Relations and worried about our physical safety at work. We’ve even had to lock down the unit a few times to prevent shooters from returning to ‘finish off’ a few of our patients. Insane. All of that is hard on anyone but I’ve particularly felt the drain of it on my body and my mind and at 29 weeks today, perhaps I need to start listening to rather than shushing my body. It’s a hard step and my stubborn mind fights it but I can’t have another week like this one.

A few positive notes to mark include:

I made it to 29 weeks! Great job, little one :)

I finally signed up for a YMCA gym membership and am hoping to start swimming next week. The baby has dropped pretty low in my pelvis and I can feel the separating of my bones as they spread to accommodate the little one’s head. Swimming and simply floating in water is supposed to help this (plus remove some of the pressure on my poor cervix) so I’m eager to see how I feel after a few days of swimming.

A beloved friend offered to take maternity pictures for me this upcoming Monday and so far the forecast looks very nice with a mostly sunny day and highs in the upper 50s. The leaves should be near peak when we go and I’m eager to see how they turn out. On a random note, we’ll be taking the pictures at the same state park where Rob and I had our engagement pictures taken and it will be exactly four years to the day since those were done there. They turned out pretty gorgeous so I’m very hopeful these do as well.

Related to maternity photos, Rob was able to get a few of me alone and me with my sister last weekend at a family grill out at a different state park. He’s been swamped with work and house chores so he hasn’t been able to edit them yet but my sneak peeks have been outstanding. He borrowed my professional photographer cousin’s $2500 lens and you can tell the quality (between Rob’s skilled eye and the amazing lens) in the shots. I will certainly share once they are edited!

Finally, if there ever were a way to show just how overwhelmed I’ve felt lately, I took my very first bath ever in our home (after living here over two years!) today because I simply needed to check out. I lit some cinnamon candles, dimmed the lights, filled the tub up and played some quiet instrumental music while I soaked. It was divine. I know many of you are bath people but I’ve always been too much on the go to just let a moment like that really relax me. It felt heavenly though and I’m hoping I can make it a more regular occurrence. It really seemed to help my pelvic pain as well so it’s a positive all around. It was also much more fun than the grocery shopping, laundry folding and toilet cleaning I had on my to do list. :)

I work back to back 12 hour shifts this weekend and I’ll see how I feel. My boss was on vacation this past week so I will try to find a time to meet with her next week and go over what I’m thinking about the remainder of my schedule before December. I can’t let feeling like I’m letting anyone down (we’re so short staffed with singling so many sick patients) or that I’m a wuss or that I’m any less than anyone else who worked all the way through their pregnancies stop me from looking out for me, my baby and my body. It’s an extremely hard step to take to say I officially can’t do it all but I have a feeling many first time moms get to this point too. I really thought I’d be able to keep going and keep up and not get slowed down by pregnancy but this entire experience has been a lesson in how little control I ultimately have. Even a positive attitude can’t keep my back from aching and my body from crumbling after 12+ hours of on my feet, nonstop, high demand physical labor. It’s okay to prioritize myself and the health of my baby and coming to terms with what all of that entails has made for a tough week.

Tonight I’m off to a family dinner for my wonderful father’s birthday where I’ll soak up all the love that fills this beautiful life and I’ll appreciate all the things that make my life lighter and brighter. Support from them as well as all of your words of encouragement have meant a lot. I foresee many entries coming in the next 10-12 weeks full of even more honest thoughts as I get bigger and even more things become newly difficult or interesting. Pregnancy as a whole isn’t easy and while I’ve never wanted something more, it’s been one of my biggest emotional and physical challenges to date. Ultimately there is nothing more worth it and I know I’ll know that looking back…for now though, it’s taking time to help my little one grow and mature so that I can meet it in 10-12 weeks instead of 1-2. Happy weekend, guys. :)

Last updated October 03, 2014