Mental Illness in Mental Health

Mental Illness is frustrating. It's one of those illnesses that others cannot actually see. It's rarely taken seriously and many don't even believe that it actually exists or they assume we use it as an excuse when our behavior is off or to get over on people, but its not like that at all.

I remember the first time I had paranoia. I was about 4 or 5 years old. I have battled it for four decades, and most of the time I kick its ass, but on days like today the anxiety causes some paranoia.

It comes out of nowhere and at random times. Medication reduces it, but it is never truly gone. If you have ever had a Panic attack add in some paranoia to that and multiply it by 100. I often deny having that illness and my mind plays tricks on me. I think "Oh, it's gone, or it's just my adhd." I wish it was just my adhd that affects me. I am in constant fear that it will rear its ugly head and that I will lose it again. I feel like if that happens people will think I'm doing Meth again. The Meth made it worse, but it was there long before I ever used any drug.

Tonight I am having a hard time. I promised myself that I would always be positive, but reality says that life isn't always positive, and it can change drastically at any given moment.

I haven't had any visual hallucinations in years, and only a few audio hallucinations here and there. Earlier tonight I had an audio hallucination. I came back in the house and started doing other things to remove myself from what I was hearing in my head, and yet I am sitting here typing with so much anxiety that I feel like I am going to explode.

This is really the reason why I stopped being social, and also why I cannot work too much. I manage it, but it comes back on and off and can escalate at any given time. I just want to be sane, but in reality that will never truly be the case. - Good night, Monica