Not Quite Right in Days of My Destiny

She giggles a lot.
It’s a breath of fresh air most of the time. I don’t always feel like giggling though. Sometimes I just want quality sister time in the way I know how. It shows our age gap.

She keeps saying she really wants to move here. But already she has messaged mum and told her she misses the family. Of course this is also natural, but despite this, I sense a small thread of loneliness.

I’m sick of the in-laws. As my previous entries will show. I didn’t even quite last 24 hours this time. I went for a walk with L and got some things off my chest. He gets it but also says my perspective can also be at fault, eg times when they’re just trying to help. He also say his mum needs to be nicer, eg offer me a cup of tea when she asks her husband for one, and also maybe not just hang out in her room when it’s just her and me in the house. He really wanted to talk to her tonight and put the cards in the table (nicely) - but then she gave us all little presents an gave me a dress. Yeah she’d bought it for herself at a boot sale for $2 and only thought of me upon realising it didn’t actually fit her - but she thought of me. So I thought that perhaps tonight wasn’t the night for it.

I haven’t written about this but for months on end, she would call and talk on the phone with everyone but me. After a few months I realised that aside from this, she never even rang me to say hi or have a chat or simply tell me she was thinking of me, like she once might’ve. For about two months, the obvious phone avoidance began to really hurt. One night after one of these phonecalls, I phones right back and asked what the go was. I told her she’d forgotten me again. She said she was tired after her big day shopping and doing yoga. She said there was “nothing going on between us.” Then she rang me every week. It felt pathetic, that she was suddenly trying to prove her love so much for me, and then I felt pathetic for even having had said anything in the first place.

So you see, finding the balance between ACTUALLY speaking up or not is tricky with her. L said I should’ve just been honest and spoken from the heart. He said I should’ve just told her how I was REALLY feeling (ie hurt). The thing is, I would’ve cried like an idiot if I had done that. Besides it didn’t occur to me to do that.

I don’t come from a place where things are sorted out in a “nice” way. In my family, we aren’t “nice” to each other. On the other hand, he comes from a place where everything is SO fucking “nice” it’s just as dysfunctional! So in the end, nothing is ever resolved!! Instead, everything is swept under the rug and we carry on as if nothing is going on! It’s no wonder these million little things TOGETHER drive me nuts!!! Because they just SIT there like a big furball in my throat!

I’m getting fat. Not FAT, but bigger. To the point where my muscles are aching from the inactivity, and a small rash is travelling around my
hips. I feel sluggish and lazy and stupid. Not because I’m a gym junkie or anything, but because I’m simply not caring.

Why aren’t I caring??? I really can’t be bothered finding out! Which is not on. It shows me that perhaps my self-esteem isn’t quite up there at the moment. But who wants to think about THAT?

At the end of the day, I’m not even a shadow of the person I actually am when they are here. How and when that happened, who knows. And I just have no idea how to tackle it, what to do about it or when and how. I’m at a complete loss.

(of Identity)

Last updated September 30, 2014