it's been almost 10 yrss. in The Wonderland Years: 2014. Done.

since uh. my friend. left of. her own accord. it’ll be on the 3rd.

and on the 14th it’ll be 10 yrs. since um. I was raped.

and on the 13th. my friend will have been 27. the one mentioned above.

and also on the 3rd. it’ll be 1.5 yrs. since I uh. left.

I’ve been thinking about her lately, my friend. who i’m not ready to refer to by name. at this point. i’ve been thinking about what I remember about her and what I discovered online. the last time I saw her was 15 yrs. ago. we were, in 5th grade. I remember the last thing she said to me. I remember. her being the first friend to ever vividly emotionally hurt me.

when she talked to me. about missing her dad [he’d apparently died of a heart attack when she was 4. they were close it sounded] I thought she meant her biological dad. it wasn’t until this past yr. that I understood she didn’t. it just amazes me that at 11 [we were both 11 in 5th grade] she remembered that far back. I don’t remember what exactly I remembered at that age. people’s memory’s astound me. yeah last night evan was telling me a story about his first kiss and I was all amazed he remembered something from that far back that vividly.
I remember. my friend was a beautiful girl. and I wish I could find photos of her. but it’s been so long that it seems weird to just hit up her mom on FB and be all ‘hey excuse me ms. n I know this seems weird but would it be ok if I..........?’. idinno do people do that?
there’ s so much of her life I missed out on. and now it’s too late fact is it’s been too late for yrs. she tried to tell people at the institutional. school. place that she needed help. but they ignored her. maybe i’ll never know the details. and i’m not ok w/ that. she was a good friend from my recollections. a good person. she was quiet we were close. I was jealous of her. but now, knowing what happened and what she went through, i’m not. I just wish..............i’ve tried to look her up on fb except she doesn’t have one, clearly. I don’t have any contact info for her. you know, so I cant like draft her an email and tell her this. I mean there’s writing to her but I feel like it’s too soon.
I don’t have anything tangible or physical of hers to keep me from floating. bc that’s exactly what i’m doing here is floating.
and i’m angry that they ignored her. even though it’s not my place to talk to the school people about it nor am I going to i’m still angry. it must be an awful feeling. yeah. it is. she needed help and she was hurting and she was the only one who fukin tried. until she couldn’t any more. she had choices she just made the one she shouldn’t’ve. I don’t condone it but I get it. cause i’ve been there. I really don’t like it when people are being ignored. and I didn’t prior to this. she tried. they’re the ones who didn’t. and ya know that’s really commendable that she tried. cause that’s not an easy thing to do. honestly I want to see you be brave. and she was.
in the words of that lady from titanic: ‘its like i’m standing on a great precipice and no one even looks up’. yeah. I get it. and also ‘what could’ve happened to this girl to make her think there’s no way out?’. well a: I know exactly what. I think. they. frances farmer-ed her [aka institutional abuse]. and also. there was a way out it was just. a forever way.
and maybe. if I hadn’t looked her up online I wouldn’t be where I am now. no actually I probably wouldn’t. ignorance was bliss. but the other side of that is. she was always such a vivid person and I always wondered what happened to her and now. now I know.
curiosity killed the cat. no it didn’t kill the cat it just. made the cat really tremendously depressed.
I would do. anything for her even though there are certain things I shouldn’t do. no I know. but she’s not here to do anything for! and yeah that really sucks.
yeah but on that note. they say if you love something set it free if it comes back it’s yours if it doesn’t it never was. yeah but here’s the thing is she is never coming back and that’s what makes it so hard. I mean I know that’s apparent but that’s my point.
when she left she took her beauty. from us. but now, no one else can. it’s hers and hers alone just as it’s always been. no one else can take anything of hers ever. it’s safe up there. protected. forever safe. and I like that idea. of forever safe. esp. for someone like her who really needed it. since clearly, she wasn’t safe down here.
yes exactly. she took it from us. it was taken. like so many other things in my life.
yes but. [again]. she might’ve taken her beauty but she didn’t take mine. but. it sure feels like she did. cause we’re both pretty. and we both went through a lot.