Weekend is almost over. in Since OD is shutting down....

I’ve spent a lot of time studying, cleaning, sleeping, and hanging out with my niece this weekend. It’s been very relaxing and I feel more rested. I turned in my app to the YMCA to see about getting a discount on my membership fee so I can better afford to go and the lady said for me to call on Wednesday and see what they’ll be able to do for me. I’m just anxious to start going to the gym and getting to go swimming again. I’m sorry that I didn’t go at all over the summer but I worked too much and honestly, I wasn’t in the right mindset to be where I’m at now. It sucks that I’ve spent so much time even in the past few months telling myself that I couldn’t lose weight and I’d never be able to stop eating fast food because it was just easier, faster, and more satisfying but here it is almost a month later and I have not had fast food, sweets, or soda!

I know I still haven’t seen the results on the scale that I’d like to see (only about a 6 pound difference so far) but I feel physically better. My feet don’t hurt as much, I don’t feel as ugly on the inside and my blood sugars have been much better. I still can’t help but feel angry at letting myself go because of my car situation and my boyfriend leaving me and that’s why I’ll be damned to ever let shit get to me like it did a year ago. I refuse to ever let myself open up to someone so much that I allow them to hurt me like he did. I gave my heart to the wrong person and I will never allow myself to go through that again. I remember after we broke up, just completely losing myself in food, hating myself, feeling nothing towards myself at all, even taking whatever muscle relaxers I had and just laying/sleeping in my bed for days, weeks at a time. It pisses me off that I spent all this time grieving and being down over someone who probably didn’t hardly give me a passing thought as he went on living his life and banging whatever chicks that would jump in bed with him.

Even now, I find myself driving by his work just to see if his truck is there and I don’t know why. It’s not like I go completely out my way or anything because his house and work aren’t more than like 3 miles away from my house but sometimes I just like to know where he’s at. I know it’s not because I want him back or anything but just because I’m nosey and want to know what’s going on. I know that we’ll more than likely never speak again but I think I do it just because I wanna know what he’s doing now. I wonder if he has a girlfriend, or if he thinks of me wondering how I am or if I miss him. It sucks to know that I had such strong feelings for someone who couldn’t give me that in return and probably never did love me like I loved him. I know I’ll never know what went on in his head and I probably don’t want to but I just pray God will give me a great guy someday.

We have another inspection in the morning so I’ve had to do some serious cleaning because they put cleaning lists on our doors of all the stuff we have to clean and take care of because they come in and snoop. I had to run up to Walmart and get oven cleaning stuff and my oven now looks amazing. I plan to keep on it and probably clean it ever couple of months now. My house looks absolutely beautiful and I’m hoping I’ll find the time and energy to keep it looking nice. I need to start getting rid of shit as my house is growing increasingly cluttered all the time.

It’s been a great weekend not having to worry about going to work and dealing with anything too stressful. My parents are still not in a good place. My little brother was texting me yesterday and Friday asking if my brother and I could bring them food as they were hungry. Neither one of us ended up doing it since we are so sick of doing it. My brother asked my Mom about their food stamps and got a very pissy response so that’s pretty much why he wasn’t trying to help. Neither one of us are about giving them money or food anymore as we’ve just done so much of it and they never get back on their feet. I just don’t feel good bout giving them money as they don’t appreciate it, they feel that it’s ‘owed’ to them, and because they don’t pay you back! Well I can’t afford to just hand out money and never see it again because once I give it to them, I have to work an extra day or extra hours at work to make up for it and I can’t do that as I have to study and worry about things other than money all the time.

I know all too well what it’s like to not be in a good place but I didn’t have any support from anyone to get back up and start living again. I just got sick of having to constantly worry about money, fight through my depression and just realize that if i didn’t get a job, things were going to get really bad for me. I know that we all need help every now and then but my parents have just milked everyone dry! I’m also sick of how they don’t have the best opinion of me (have even told me to my face that I’m a fucking bitch) and don’t contact me unless they need money, food, or smokes. Well, I’ve been saying for a long time that I’m done with unhealthy relationships and I meant it.

My friend that I worked with came over and hung out on Friday for a couple of hours and then was supposed to come back later that night and I haven’t heard from her since. It’s just another reminder why I don’t try to have friends or hang out with anyone. I haven’t heard from her and part of me was worried that something happened to her until this morning when she posted a selfie so obviously she’s okay, just didn’t bother to let me know what was going on. Okay, cool. Another reason why I’m just content doing my own thing and hanging out with my niece on weekends.

I realized earlier this week I was feeling really stressed about work and was even feeling ugly and then I realized I was just letting shit get to me why more than I should. I’m normally really good at brushing things off and keeping a level head but between people being shitheads at work, frustrated that I’m not seeing the numbers on the scale that I want to see and being stressed about school, I was just over thinking. I know that what happened at Snap Fitness had a lot to do with me feeling down as well. It really helps only working 4 days a week because I can actually look forward to the weekends and having time for myself. I know that I worked way too much up until about a month ago and that had a lot to do with me feeling down. I was just really stressed out, sleep deprived and just didn’t have time for anything other than work. I’m so glad I’ve cut back my hours so I can have more of a life outside of that place.

Sometimes I see that thing on Facebook that says, “I’m not where I want to be but I thank God I’m not where I used to be” and that totally describes me. I know that I’m closer to where I want to be than I was but I’m just glad I’m not where I used to be when I had a shitty boyfriend, no job, no self confidence and just completely hated myself and wanted to die. I had nothing to live for and nobody gave any kind of a fuck but now, I know I’m right where I need to be. I work, I’m in college, and I like myself again. Just because people are rude to me (like assholes at work, at Snap Fitness or the general public) doesn’t mean I need to start getting down on myself. I know that the way you treat others is actually how you feel about yourself so when your mean to other people, it probably means you don’t feel that great about yourself.

I really am grateful to be where I’m at. I’m glad I have a nice warm place to live, a decent car that I owe less than $2,000 on, I have food in my fridge, I have a job, I’m losing weight and I can say I actually like myself. Last year at this time I wasn’t working, was struggling to keep myself afloat financially and mentally and had no idea where my life was going. It feels good to have direction.

There’s a dude I’ve been texting that goes to my school (I’ve never seen him there and we aren’t in the same program so seeing him in a class will never happen) and he seems to be somewhat interested but is very contradictory about meeting me. He says we need to get to know each other but asked for sexy pics?! I said something last night about maybe doing lunch and he said he’ll have to see when he’ll be free but then tonight was telling me he wished he had someone to cuddle?! Um okay so we can’t get to know each other with our close on in a public place but we can get to know each other naked in my bedroom?! Um, I’m not sure what planet this guy has splashed down from but it’s just super irritating how men are. I’m not interested in having a sexual relationship with someone without having a relationship to go along with it. I know that men can just stick their dick in anywhere and have no feelings about it whatsoever but I want to know that if I’m opening my heart to someone and my legs that it actually means something!

Things would be so much easier if people would just be super honest and forward about what they want. Like this guy. He’s made it more than obvious all he’s looking for is a fuck which is just fine, but it’s not going to happen with me. I’m sorry that I’m probably the last chick on Earth that’s looking for a fuck buddy. My issue is I just can’t see laying down with someone, being intimate and it not meaning and damn thing. I did enough of that shit when I was younger and even last year when my boyfriend and I broke up (I banged like 4 dudes just to make the pain go away) and now that I have so much to lose, I just can’t risk an unplanned pregnancy or a disease.

I’ve been studying a lot and now I’m gonna go take a bath and start getting settled in for the evening. I wouldn’t mind seeing my niece before she goes to bed and kissing her goodnight but it’s like once I’m over there, I’m expected to stay over there after she’s in bed and I just don’t want to do that tonight. It’s been super nice just hanging out at home getting stuff done and just being inside, laying on the couch watching tv. I’m definitely ready to get back to school and work though. Now that I get an adequate break from both of them, I almost miss them by Sunday night.

Bath time.