For the life of me, I cannot remember in Book One: The Not So Daily Briefs 2014

PRE:
Hello all, I recently discovered that the alert system on my bookmarks page was… insufficient. So I’m taking time to go back and read entries from friends and favorites that I missed. If you see a comment or (more likely) lack of comments on certain entries… I’m playing catch up. Sorry.

(1)a- What a weekend! My best friend (who moved back to his hometown 300 miles away when there were no lawyer jobs available for him around here) came for a visit! Friday- we stayed up and watched “The Devil Is A Part Timer”; Saturday we hung out at the local Harvest Festival and watched “Good Luck Girl!” and he left this morning. On the one hand, it is awesome to hang out with him and marathon Anime and all of that. On the other- I wish I could have been a better host and had something more to do. Granted… marathoning Anime is one of our big things… but if he is willing to drive all the way out here and sleep on a bedroll for two nights… I simply wish I could have been more actively entertaining.

(1)b- This is machismo bullshit husband complaining… so if someone wants to call me out for being superficial and an asshole- I won’t blame them. But going to a harvest festival… or really going anywhere outside of the home… makes me look at my wife a little differently. You see… this is the city’s largest festival/gathering all year. It is outdoors and is celebrated as the city’s version of Octoberfest. Looking around? Women in German Beermaid outfits, women in summer clothes (as the temperature was 83), women who generally looked good. Don’t get me wrong- I think my wife is attractive… but these last few years she has decided to simply not care anymore. So I’m there with my best friend, my law school moot court partner, and my wife. My wife who didn’t shower/brush her teeth/or put any make up on.... who is wearing baggy jeans and a giant black t-shirt. Again… she can wear what she wants and she doesn’t have to wear make up if she doesn’t want to… it is just… after this many years, I honestly have to say that it is a little irksome to be “dating a dyke” in many ways. I bring it up by asking if I can get make up for her from my friend who sells it… I tell her I am willing to go clothes shopping with her or something… but she doesn’t want anything; she just wants to keep buying worn out clothes from Goodwill and, when I recommend or suggest some NOT over-sized boy-clothes at Goodwill, she rolls her eyes and ignores me.

(2) The next stage of my project is freshman year. Unfortunately, this is where certain mistakes become habit and where others become avoidable had I only had the strength to avoid them.

Starting out… I had earned a spot onto Show Choir. My singing was fairly despicable so I had earned my way on by my exemplary dancing abilities alone. However, I was also a member of Orchestra, Theater, and Swimming. Add the school work and everything else and I had to give something up. This issue would come up again several times in High School. I gave up Show Choir. In many ways, I still think it was the right choice but… it is still something I’ve deeply regretted! Very deeply. It is one of the reasons why my next idea is so… incongruous. In reality- I should have also given up Theater. If I had spent my time dedicated to good grades, practicing my cello, and improving my 100 Fly time… I may have excelled in something. By constantly being stretched so thin… I never excelled at any of it. I was a permanent B/C in everything. Always doing well enough to get by but never doing well enough to “win.” Especially as so many of my friends came from my time in Orchestra… I really should have been more dedicated to it.

That was also the year of Columbine. That still hits home to me as (EVEN NOW) my father looks at my wardrobe and says “People are going to think you’re Dylan Klebold.” Granted… I was bullied a great deal… and even later in High School the black students would get in my face, threaten me, and “dare me to shoot” mistaking me for a “Trench Coat Mafia” kid. Here’s the thing: yes, I like long coats… so do Detectives, Cowboys, Super Heroes, Fashionistas, etcetera. Sorry… it just… kind of hits a nerve STILL that I got bullied so hard for my taste in coats. But that is why I bring it up here. I was chosen to speak in a class shortly after the Columbine Shooting. I chose to discuss bullying, isolation, and how… if a bullied kid distances himself from others… sometimes that isn’t because he WANTS to be distanced, he simply can’t trust that others are genuinely being nice… the bullied learn to expect 2-facedness and have a difficult time trusting. I got choked up during my speech because… of course… I was talking about myself. I had no friends my Freshman year. No one to eat lunch with, no one to study with, no one to talk to. My regret is… I wish I hadn’t waited until a tragedy like Columbine to come to grips with WHY I was alone. Had I realized earlier… I might have been able to do something about it.

Speaking of bullying… that Spring, I joined the Water Polo team. I know- being so busy is a regret, of course, but my brother was about to ship out to the Navy and Water Polo is something we could do together. However… this, too, was something that people used to bully me about. Particularly= T. Allen McKern. He was a fat little asshole that had been one of my primary bullies in elementary school.......

Water Polo met in the early mornings. And for those that know- Water Polo is extremely physically demanding and brutal. So, 2 hours of waterpolo every morning… then off to school. Off to school drained, exhausted, beat up (water polo can be pretty violent), and half drowned. Seeing an already weaker opponent- McKern would strike. Every morning. Physically, verbally, emotionally beating the crap out of me before school. My regret, what I wish I could change… was having the wherewithal to not take it, not respond, and know the truth. I let it get to me a lot… after all, I had already pushed myself to my max before I encountered the bully, so I didn’t have much left to defend or take the high road. I wish I could have laughed it off, rolled my eyes, and said something like “Allen, when exercise becomes more than getting off the couch for you, then you can come back and make fun of me.”

Herein is another place where I forsake pseudonyms and open the beast of honesty. Finally, the last thing I wish I could have changed was the entire experience with Kris. She is the singer I spoke of in some of my earliest entries discussing my past dating relationships. I wish I had experienced a more “all or nothing” reaction there. I never really “went for it with everything.” I should have just sat her down and said “I want to date you, if we’re going to keep flirting and playing games- I’ll walk off. This maybe-but-not-quite isn’t fair to me and should be beneath me.” And conversely, if I didn’t have the courage to say that… I should have simply walked away from the entire thing at the start. Of course, I didn’t walk off. I allowed her to keep me “on the hook” until she had won her older ex-boyfriend back… and… it was a lesson I needed to learn that I never did. Far too often I didn’t do what was best for me… I allowed myself to be “on the hook” and, frankly, I don’t think I ever built a defense for that.