An Interesting Time (and a little on mum and dad's visit) in Days of My Destiny

Having mum and dad here was short but (mostly) sweet. I found out while they were here that they would be leaving a day earlier than I had thought. I don’t know whether that was a miscommunication, as the teens seemed disappointed when they found out and mum said that was always the plan, though I didn’t know about it - meaning I was disappointed too but I wasn’t going to show it. I preferred to enjoy the time I could with them. Dad was on the phone a lot for the first day or two that he was here. I’d never seen him on the phone so much. I know he’s been really busy with all these jobs on at once this year. Mum talked to me a few times about how broke they are and how it’s really thanks to the government benefits she gets that they’ve even had any food to eat (nothing new there). I later found out that dad was on the phone so much for two main reasons. The first one was that one of his workers, who is quite forgetful, had left a whole heap of gear in a house that was meant to be completely empty because new people were moving in, so dad had to sort that out. The other reason was because he was chasing money. Apparently he only had just enough money to make it here and none to get back home. I believed it when, after they left, I found a neatly folded up piece of paper in the most random spot in my house - it was an ATM slip showing his account balance of twelve dollars. I figured he must’ve relaxed and stopped being on the phone after being paid by somebody, because they did leave after all! I know dad would’ve been too proud to ever admit this problem to me, so I have no idea how on earth they would’ve managed to get back home if he had not been paid. Most likely mum would’ve quietly asked me for money on the sly and asked me to make out like I was giving her money for an unrelated thing and therefore she would’ve pretended it was a pure miracle.

On their last morning here, I was trying to pack certain foods for mum to take back home with her. Some of them were foods she had brought, some weren’t. She bought a 12-pack of 1 Litre milk cartons. I told her I would take 2 or 3 out and that she could take the rest back with her. We’d already been going back and forth a little bit on things that I thought she could take back and that she didn’t want to take back, so by the time I casually mentioned the milk, she got really pissed off and said, “You know what? I can’t stand it when people do this. Your older sister and you do this EXACT thing that my mother-in-law used to do. One brings items to help out - this is my way of helping out - and yet you don’t appreciate it. Me hierve en la ñoña cuando hacen eso.” That last sentence basically means, “It makes my blood boil when people do that,” except in a much more crass manner. I didn’t appreciate her speaking to me like that so I shrugged my shoulders, stopped what I was doing and said, “Oh okay then. I won’t pack anything. You can go home and starve next week.” I admit my reply was no better, but I can see I was coming from a place of hurt (never a good thing). I was hurting because of the way she spoke to me, HER DAUGHTER. I was hurting because she was so intent on leaving things behind here that she became hurtful about it. I was hurting because despite her downright TERRIBLE poverty, she is too proud to receive some help. When she’d mentioned that this was her way of helping out or contributing, I asked her who needs more help out of the two of us? And that’s when she got pissed off and ended the conversation the way she did. When she said that (about boiling her blood), I could sense the room going tense and my younger siblings watching me for a reaction. For this very reason I didn’t bother bursting into tears, and instead talked back in the way I did. I tried to act normal afterwards and have a normal conversation with dad, but out of the corner of my eye I could feel mum watching me. I know she knows me (because I’m her daughter) and I knew she knew that my own blood was now boiling, so I left the room and went to my own bedroom for a few silent tears. I half considered going back out there and showing her my husband’s pay slip - not to show off, but to make a point that I was indeed trying to help HER out and that it’s true that I don’t need the help half as much as she does. But I decided against it. Instead I stayed in my room, praying and asking God to give me Love to give back out to the world and to my mum. I also asked Him to help me not make this about ME.

I understand she was tying to help, but what kind of help is it when it’s stubborn help? I just don’t really get it. Anyway, I’m moving on, though it’s not exactly easy when around my kitchen I see items that she left here that I would never ever use myself. Oh well.

While here, mum asked me if my younger sister could stay here a while longer. Mum is quite worried about her, as she has been really angry and resentful - more than ever. Mum figured she needs time away from everyone, and seeing as she loves the countryside, she would be in her element right where we are. I said of course. My in-laws are coming tomorrow, so they will take her back home when they leave in a week’s time. The thing is, my poor younger sister hasn’t had it easy. She has always had to compete just that little bit harder than the average person. Mum has always subconsciously rejected her (I’ve always seen this) and so she doesn’t treat her very well. Dad is rarely around due to his workaholism; my younger brother now has a job; my other younger brother is lost in girlfriend-land; and my youngest sister has never got along with her (in fact they’ve always clashed). So I don’t really see that she necessarily BELONGS anywhere. On top of all this, she is in her final year of school. Her friends have started to cause formal-related drama and it’s starting to tear the group apart and she wants no part in it.

I mentioned to mum that I had thought a while ago to offer a place for my sister to stay here for a while with us perhaps next year once she finishes school. This idea itself came from my OLDER sister who could sense that my younger sister really could do with something like this. Mum wasn’t surprised - I think she was actually appreciative of and open to the idea. So there’s that. L and I have been talking about how things would be if she lived here. If this week is any indication, I think it would go fairly smoothly. I know she feels happy and at peace here, for the most part. The only thing giving her trouble right now is her boyfriend. She has an online boyfriend at the moment, he is my younger brother’s best friend who was here last year but moved to NZ this year. They’ve only been in a relationship for 13 days and already they’ve had trouble because of a girl over there. My sister is spending half her time feeding the lamb (a poddy lamb that my parents rescued while here) and chatting online with her boyfriend. She is smitten, protective, clingy, naiive. She has plans to go with him to Italy in two year’s time. He is two years younger than she is. He keeps telling her he doesn’t want to hurt her and that he knows for sure he will. Really........... she needs to let it go. But she won’t listen. Apparently the other girl has taken his phone a few times and logged into his account to message my sister, and so these two girls have been having fights over this boyfriend guy. It’s just such a mess and my sister is fighting tooth and nail for this relationship. She’s been updating me on most of their conversations and today she told me she could feel her cheeks all hot, that’s how angry she was and that she could “punch every wall in this house right now.” Hmmmmm not exactly the language I want used around my daughters. She was telling me about this other girl, but instead of calling her by name, she’s calling her Bitch. So she has said that word a few times. I think if it happens again I will tell her to mind her language around my daughters. I can see how she is feeling FREE to express herself and be who she is around me, but she needs to remember that although I am here for her, I do have daughters who are young and don’t understand the context of what she’s saying. Sure, they hear me swear when I’m angry, but do I really want them to hear one female talk of another female this way at this age? I don’t think so. Anyway my sister then said she’d be in her room for the next while. She’s been in there for about an hour and I’m just in my room now, typing. Last night I was helping her with what to say to this guy and I told her to tell him to “be a man” and choose her or the other girl. So my sister typed just that - but later on told him that indeed it was me who told her to tell him that. Sigh. It’s hard to watch this unfold. On the one hand I want to give her advice. I’ve been telling her to stand up for herself (which she is) and that she deserves better. But she won’t listen to that. She looks pissed off when I tell her that. She believes his every word. The other girl is telling her (if it IS the other girl…) that she needs to get out of his life because it’s an ONLINE thing, whereas this other girl sees him everyday. My sister is replying that SHE is the official girlfriend, so therefore THE OTHER GIRL needs to get out of his life. Ahh the craziness. The other day she told me that this other girl wasn’t into “sharing”. I was shocked to hear this, because why should ANYONE be interested in SHARING?!?! It makes me wander what her ideals on relationships ARE. What do girls talk about these days? What ideas do they have on what relationships should be???? I told her that I wouldn’t like to share either.

So this whole thing has given me a very small glimpse into what it would be like to have teenage daughters. I just hope to always have honest and open conversations with my daughters about relationships and how to value themselves. Unfortunately it’s not something we ever got from our parents. Sure, our parents talked to us about things, but it was more like, they spoke to us, but never wanted to hear US speak to THEM about what was going on in our lives. Not only that, but mum and dad’s relationship has been a complete shambles for the last 10-15 years, meaning that my younger siblings have had no guidance or positive role modelling at all when it comes to this stuff....... so they cling to whatever they can get. My younger brother is in a relationship with a girl who WE (older ones) don’t’ think treats him very nicely, yet he wants to buy her a promise ring for their one year anniversary. And then there’s my sister, clinging hopelessly to some guy in a whole other country who clearly doesn’t know how to treat a girl. At the same time, I realise that when I was her age, I clung to the words of another young guy and would’ve done ANYTHING for him. I probably would not have listened to any advice or guidance myself. It makes me realise just how much experience is behind me and how much I’ve grown since the age of 18 and now (only 10 short years or so.......). But one thing I always knew with that guy was that if ever I were to be with him, it would be special, that it wouldn’t be while he was with another girl (whom he eventually married anyway). How does my sister not see this? How does she feel that what she has with this guy is stronger than what he has with this other girl he sees in person every day and who he went to the formal with? How is she reducing herself to online fighting (swear words and all) with some other girl she’s never even met?

Ahhhhhh..................................

That aside, I think she is enjoying her time here. I wander though if she misses The House, because our house is pretty quiet actually lol.

L and I have been talking about options for my sister if she does indeed come to live with us. I’m so glad he’s open to the idea. He says we are living in the perfect place for it right now. This house has enough rooms and she would have her own space without necessarily interfering with ours (just because of where her room would be). I’ve thought that maybe I could pay her to do housework around here on the days that I myself will be working next year. Her idea is that she could look after people’s orphan lambs and get paid for it. I know for sure that nobody would go for that. It’s just the culture out here. People either look after their own lambs or leave them to die. They don’t see the value in it. Still, I will ask around JUST on the off chance that I am actually wrong about this. But I highly doubt it.

Other things I think about is how she would be stuck here all the time unless she gets her own license. If she wants to learn how to drive, then this would be the perfect place because there is plenty of space in the yard. I would be all for supporting this if it’s something she wants. I can’t remember now what the reason is that she hasn’t gone for it. Mum either told me that my sister is petrified of actually driving, or that she can’t legally drive. Can’t remember which one it is. But you know..... she’s grown up in an environment that has seen her as a person with limitations rather than a person who can do what she sets her heart on. I think that living her would be good for her because we would treat her with dignity and respect. And I would encourage her and uplift her and give her space when she wants it. Like this week.

Another idea is that she could work in a childcare centre around here if she finishes her course. I found out that she loves babies but hates children. But you know, if she wants to work and struggles to actually find work around here, at least the childcare thing is something she’d have under her belt. If she got her own job but no license, then we’d have to work around each other’s schedules and I’d have to drop her off everywhere… which would be inconvenient for me. Whereas if she did work for me, in my own house on the days that I was already working, it’d be less complicated on my end of things, and she may earn more for a simpler job. But then she might get completely bored with housework-type of work. ANOTHER idea again is that she could perhaps go and work for my neighbour, who has 3000 sheep and he has them for shearing, not for meat. But then, mum would not approve of her working alone with a man (even though this man is the most harmless thing on earth, but I do understand). So I suppose it’s a matter of simply talking through the options we can think of between now and then.

The idea of her coming to live with me is a delightful one. I wander how much she’d gel with my daughters. I know that M is enjoying having her here so far. I think about how close we would all become - we really would become family with a capital F over time - the kind where my heart would be torn out when she would leave.

I also wander if we would clash a little, after finding out the other night that when her and Mum argue, Mum tells her she is “EXACTLY like [her] father” - words she used to use as knives in my own arguments with her years ago. (I remember one day I simply turned around and told her how proud I was of that fact. She never mentioned it again.)

So… it’s certainly an interesting time.

PS - I just found out that they’ve decided it’s best for them to break up, as the guy loves both her AND the other girl and it’s too much. So they’ve broken up. But they’re still going to Italy in two years. Apparently…

Last updated September 28, 2014