On Caffeine. in Whey and Sonic Screwdrivers.

For a very long time, I’ve had a latent prejudice against caffeine. Growing up, I thought my mom’s daily coffee routine was ridiculous. She clearly had a dependency, and “needed” her coffee in the morning. So I decided I didn’t want to “need” coffee when I grew up.

I think it happened when Taco Bell went to breakfast and I was getting up around 5 AM for a 6-4 shift. On a whim, I bought instant coffee. Because I hate the taste of coffee, and just want the damn caffeine. To complement it, I bought a b-complex. If you read the ingredients, most ‘energy drinks’ are caffeine and B-12, with other unrecognizable stuff tossed in to make you think it’s fancy.

Somewhere in the past month or two, I’ve been doing a triple-shot of coffee if I get up early, or before going to the gym. During the week, I sometimes get up between 5 and 6 AM to ensure I get parking on campus, and be slightly ahead of the worst of rush hour traffic. On a day like today, I got enough sleep, yet still felt kind of sluggish getting out of bed.

Sluggishness, ‘lack of energy’, lack of desire to do anything; I’ve spent so many days just trying to “rest enough” so I’d have the energy/desire to do something. That resulted in increased anxiety, because I felt a downward spiral of never being energetic enough. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes there’s no amount of stimulants that can conquer a hard depression.

I just find it funny. Caffeine is a stimulant. The sluggishness wears off and suddenly I don’t feel like I can’t do things. Oh sure, I could sit on my ass if I wanted to. I don’t feel manic in terms of “needing” to do anything. But eating my oatmeal, I wasn’t sure how I’d approach today’s deadlift workout. After a triple-shot of instant coffee, suddenly that worry is gone.

That is, caffeine as a stimulant eases my anxiety.

That seems really counter-intuitive to me.

Makes me wonder if all these years of feeling lackadaisical could have been made easier if I got over myself and had coffee or something. Instead, I had that ego about me that I was “better” than coffee.

Fascinating.