Crash and Burn in Current Events

I don’t think I’ve experienced burnout like this before. I am no longer just tired of being tired. I am tired of being tired of being tired. I did not sleep well the last couple of nights. I keep having to wake up to urinate because I’m old people now, apparently. I have a test today that I am missing which I am allowed to make up on Thursday, thankfully. I had been caffeinating all day which is where I went wrong. I’m not 20 anymore I can’t just do whatever I want. I lost my tolerance when I quit coffee last February. I only started up again less than a month ago. Shortly after I got home, I crashed. I crashed like I’ve never crashed before. It was a Yuge crash, biggly. I crashed like a dog. My mind is wide awake but my body is running on fumes. I could barely move. I would feel faint if I tried to exert myself just a little bit. My heart would race, I would feel flushed, I would get a deep sinking feeling and all I did was try to roll over like a dog. I am just now able to function enough to get out of bed. What a trip. So what is the opportunity here? Develop a better sleep structure.

I am starting to feel the full weight of all my problems. The pressure is starting to get to me. Will I let it get the best of me? Absolutely! The world hates me and the feeling is mutual <3 I don’t mean that. I relapsed on something I have been trying to quit. I’ll dust myself off and try again. I don’t know what I want or need right now. It’s like I am waiting for an answer which isn’t coming. Like I am at a crossroads. Just a poor unfortunate lost soul. I sound melodramatic, I know. I’m not depressed and melancholy, which I would rather be than what I am feeling right now. Emptiness. Not even that, clogged? Emotionally constipated. I just want to feel something.

I am getting wanderlust. The adventure I want is more of a great reset. Just relocate and be somewhere else and be someone else and do something else. Just leave this life behind and start somewhere new. I think the desire is more about being able to think something else and think someone else. If that makes sense. I don’t need to be somewhere else to do that.

My wonderlust is what triggered wanderlust. It’s just sinking in how nothing about our lives is natural. It’s anti-life. Anything anti-life is evil. Evil is live backwards. I don’t want to care anymore. I’ve never stopped to think about this inner calling of mine to try and snap people out of their psychosis. I think it feels so daunting because of my audiobook Wetiko. Knowledge is our salvation, not faith. Dogma is the antichrist. This mass narcissism is too menacing to think about. Especially right now while I am feeling a little raw and vulnerable. Why do I have to participate in this mental illness? I’d much rather be a hermit. Just live in nature, with nature and be nature so I can think natural thoughts. I want to serve God and the truth. Not these flags, these make belief borders, these words of men and their many religions. Creeds, health, economy, etc. People are gross. Earth is ghetto and I want to leave. Beam me up.

My bed is calling. I’d just get lost in my game but my controller broke. I have half a mind and my Audibles to pass the time.